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Unique job interviews
Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations
were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective
employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer
and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept
in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later
wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to
answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have
been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the
interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
Have a life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left
early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you
Murphy's work laws
MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you
are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so
many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be
doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for
everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always
enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you
will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing
it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom
it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Company buzz words
New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or
a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped
and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a
company or department soon.
GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay
off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find
yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it
to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for
assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the
Return key and the Power On key.
The office happenings
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these
meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to
blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A
direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones
we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar
territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective
barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an
idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to
find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would
have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although
that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our
entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and
we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss'
daughter finishes her summer classes.
The job security quiz
The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your
current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for
his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who
plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the
level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free
samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of
everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase
50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't
have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a
laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you,
what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a
briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the
windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've
written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering
suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party,
what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to
be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is
dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly
gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because
you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard
for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success.
Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago,
but he's terrified of what you might do.
You're in big trouble
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.
Thoughts from work
Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I
remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried
about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why
too".
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder
with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another
confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where
do the copies come out from ?"
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the
last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time
to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they
don't have enuff time to do all their work.
The last day working
"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you
realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited
on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing
behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential
information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as
vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the
fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail.
Last night was the company Christmas party.
Evaluating employees
RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot
was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Pay for your past bills
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections
manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until
you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please
cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Work for an operator
The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators
had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
Caller : I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator
: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used
to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
* * *
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator :
Woven? Are you sure? Caller : Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in
Scotland.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator : Where are you calling from?
Caller : The living room
* * *
Caller : The water board please.
Operator : Which department?
Caller : Tap water.
* * *
Operator : How are you spelling that?
Caller : With letters.
* * *
Caller : I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator : Do you have his name?
Caller : No, but he has a dog named Ben.
* * *
Caller : The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator : You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
* * *
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told
the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to
write the number on.