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Boss wants too much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He
had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's
arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking
at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face
scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock,
punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled
down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole
hour?"
Never say it at work
TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it
to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance
to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door
for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and
opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go
or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a
promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact,
save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later,
my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your
life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know
someone is less fortunate.
Workplace insanity
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one
day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a
different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names.
"That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree
with you there, Cha-cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.
For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did
this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone
Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a
printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting
for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they
want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual
debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the
lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean
back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from
caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Corporate lingo list
Here?s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you+-
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don?t pay enough to expect that you?ll dress up-well, a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You?ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you?re old, fat or ugly you?ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We?ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You?ll need it to replace
three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You?re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You?ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I?M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I?ve used Microsoft
Office.
I?M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don?t ask me about all the McJobs I?ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I?M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.
I?M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I?ve changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I?m never at my desk.
Stock market report
Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Must help the wife
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he
says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs
me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"Amen"
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Photographer works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was
avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by
photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only
his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the
ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy
at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the
photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.