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Guests for dinner
The following is a true story.
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother
finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy
points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been
doing!"
Woman is on a bus
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat
near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was
wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of
my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old
girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for
cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine
and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the
aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go,
and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little
girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon
discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said,
"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can
go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment
her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
Mothers taught us
Things My Mother Taught Me
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you
can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're
going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when
you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you
will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets
home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home.
and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE..."One day you will have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
At the public pool
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in
the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young
children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
Defining teenagers
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and
borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his
mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a
bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours
for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too
tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs
mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned
car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like
that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for
you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to
consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a
mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now
quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Household physics
Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every
other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to
the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it
is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote
controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling
showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used
Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play
with the same toy.
New family driver
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family
troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take
them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of
sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming
boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as
you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Mom's new recipe
Mom's Brownies Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean
cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening
from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for
ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a
mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea
if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's
still able to run away.
Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had
slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in
man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven
You want children?
Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a
fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do
not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of
the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about
a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and
make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them
that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Evolution of Mom
The Evolution of Mom
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby.
Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your
first:
Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It
might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the
ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story
Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5
times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Newest son-in-law
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To
show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my
business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the
operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and
take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a
desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a
moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a
office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Parents evolution
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own
experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as
you have more children:
Feeling the Baby Move
First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two
months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon
hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We
called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly
ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter
to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during
the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third
quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said
"Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear
that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a
delivery.
The Trip to the Hospital
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the
hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat
surrounded by pillows.
Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty
minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned
back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular
contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the
hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having
contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I
would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was
working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
The First Step
First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife
took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place
and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture
blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a
professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour
documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next
day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing
center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left
on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got
the roll developed.
Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so
the child wouldn't grab it.
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up
and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the
night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up.
We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes,
we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop
crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went
on about our business.
Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he
stopped crying.
Where you reside
...This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was
relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years
old. They were discussing geography and...
"Where does mommy live?"
"Minneapolis."
"Where does grandma live?"
"Baltimore."
"Where does grandpa live?"
"Baltimore."
"And where does daddy live?"
"At work!"
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...
Term dictionary
Parent's Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
Child sent to bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
You Know You've Turned Into a
Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and
forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention
what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts
to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager
say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult
conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to
cut up his steak!
Things Mom Taught Me...
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're
going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when
you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you
will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets
home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get
home."
And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they
turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"