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Rookie is on the job
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with
an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who
were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a
corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that
corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his
direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and
asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
Try to catch the rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are
all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The
President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and
each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit
had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The
bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
He is extremely drunk
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked
him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub
where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour"
and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for
a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home
to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until
he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the
car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
A prisoner with skills
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he
got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that
deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a
trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the
best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do
odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to
prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of
the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards
and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into
his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you
but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
A test for being drunk
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out
of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this
breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that
I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I
can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that
I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Breaking into a house
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without
waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Go give us a donation
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car.
When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are
going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."
Time for the wedding
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to
jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you
that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Prison vs. full-time job
Prison life versus a full-time job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors
yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Where is your wife?
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
How fast was I going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
Undercover detective
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
Judge has some fun
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his
bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and
thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a
place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at
which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
Excuse for speeding
A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for
the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only
trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me."
Warning all shoplifters
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten,
gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full
extent of the law.
Choose a punishment
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
Request before death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Very stupid robbers
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens.
Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Chatting on the plane
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a
conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
The new CIA agents
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret
agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they
are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with
another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The
instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man
saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went
into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it."
The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."
The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded
two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your
wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but
returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied,
"Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The
instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said,
"Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the
next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound
of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.
The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me
blanks, so I had to choke her."
Purchasing the brain
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked
about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a
NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well.
It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Policemen in Heaven
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"
Charged for speeding
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle
of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap,
he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to
walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think
it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as
fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
Make a last request
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were
led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given
the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final
prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first
man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man
replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena
for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well,
what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Don't arrest the judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when
he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat
out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his
way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his
cover."