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Lawyers get robbed
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something
in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which
lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Debate the stop sign
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the
cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop,
he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a
minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
Police chief hates you
Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and
"pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to
Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and
a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
Steal from this family
After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been
stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective
drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the
scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to
a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife
was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the
hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's
concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home
late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from
thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door
reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college
somehow, don't I?"
Visiting kindergarten
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The
label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't
you keep them when you took their pictures?"
Robber met animals
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all
around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you
Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
The woman is on fire
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette,
even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank
ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off
running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her
to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer
could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The
officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My
only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
The highly-skilled fly
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do
tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk
across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of
stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to
tour the nightspots and make a fortune."
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its
matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What
about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE
EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."
A story behind a gun
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of
the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for
many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered
quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold
steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you
scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me
sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even
loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut
about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin'
about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
You're in big trouble
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his
window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award
you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going
to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers'
license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay
attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen
car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are
we over the border yet?"
Try to spell that name
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted
speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of
Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his
summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you
speeding again."
Some stupid truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came
to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!"
Please show the I.D.
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said
"Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Stupid drunk blonde
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second
time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat
by mistake."
Watching for suicide
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you
care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the
fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his
execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved
his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
Strange name for cats
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was
pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be
down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly,
"I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Knitting and driving
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
Criminal steals lumber
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the
confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies
from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our
two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can
get the lumber."
Disorderly conduct
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly
conduct in a public park.
Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
Red fire fighter
There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.
Four and eight makes 12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
The sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Finns are always fighting the Russians.
Russians are known as "red".
Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
A missing person
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along
with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
What is the future
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
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Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge?"
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.
Tell what happened
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car
had struck a telephone pole.
Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes
who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
F.B.I. phone logs
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor
with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We
have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance
to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring
the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front
doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
** Click **
Outrageous lying
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in
the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in
it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body
in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him
you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Better prison foods
Subject: You Deserve a Break Today
San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark
decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has
recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.
The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional
prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the
California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of
fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or
fast-food chain."
Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au
Vin ....