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Why the big fight?
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did
you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200
hidden in my shoe!"
Go to save my friend
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his
summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend
or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy
to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they
spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great
outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two
huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not
so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town
to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced
back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions
of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer,
pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the
female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other
bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that
the Czech was in the male?"
All the strange names
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car
when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police
station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.
"Shut Up", replied Shut Up.
"Stupid", replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were
calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.
"Shut Up!"
"Stupid!"
The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"!!!
Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their
friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"
Rob the supermarket
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a
police officer walked in the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh,
its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its
only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
Stop the drunk driver
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "You buyin'?"
Try to explain yourself
While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which
had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there
smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on
down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the
fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began
to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and
suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground.
After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're
doing?"
After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy
medium."
Reading the scripture
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts
2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ
so that your sins may be forgiven.")
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the
man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why
did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar.
"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
Crying about his life
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench
crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old
woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have
fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful
lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time
she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You
should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
I'm going to a lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
K9 is for assistance
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby
was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran
out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down
on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send
me a BLIND policeman!"
Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and
weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy
and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better
than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you
really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how
quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't
get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I
can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
Problem with a dog
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his
bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Police are in a chase
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward
Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled
over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you
stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll
never catch him."
An FBI investigation
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed
where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Inspecting the truck
A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him
a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol
for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail
or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad
brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you
is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
Telephone accident
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car
had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
A blonde detective
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first
blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has
one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5
seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only
one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that
the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and
in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the
suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself
if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait
here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe
it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How
were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear."
Stupid blonde driver
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"
Touring Washington
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted
to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a
police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol
building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll
take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough,
the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car
and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here
for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus
just went by!"
Do you have a bias?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a
policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she
said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my
face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
Lawyers are greedy
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about
the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your
left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where
his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!"
Thankful he's drunk
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the
curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Obey the speed limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front
seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly
twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22"
was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
The animal's warning
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him
over.
The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a
pig in the front of you truck?"
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."
The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop
said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to
the zoo when you get to Memphis."
So the farmer promised he would.
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road
and he pulled him over again.
The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to
Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm
taking him to the circus."
Blonde avoiding trees
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches
the blonde lady driver.
"Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an
accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to
the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and
there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied,
"Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Trust a fellow officer
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you
trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room
in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for
your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.