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Identify the problem
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not
getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with
a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted
"TIPS" and a bucket of change.
Explaining his claim
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large
truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have
suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police
statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you
were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the
case?"
"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell
the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made
your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing
around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes
along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my
dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and
asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to
him?"
Stopping the hillbilly
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls
him over.
"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked."
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
Pictures from police
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Headline in the paper
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the
sports club. Police are looking into it.
You're back again?
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted
to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but
they wouldn't listen."
How to charge them
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck
by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an
embankment.
The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving
the scene of an accident.
Please describe him
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also
severly bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
Police officer's foods
The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers
1. Glazed
2. Jelly
3. Powdered
4. Chocolate Frosted
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Holmes investigation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen
our tent."
New Miranda rights
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run
away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends
of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a
recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may
or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in
full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
I have lost my father
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman
and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Where are you from?
Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to
have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched
briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them
tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your
name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
Some police quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll
give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Government is there
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell
sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1.
This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."
Stealing from a store
This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the
province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance
tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.
A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to
empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in
the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a
customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and
pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket,
so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine
(thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating.
Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer
(after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is
not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale*
to the second customer and he leaves as well.
The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just
about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of
his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during
which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.
The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station
were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered,
people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else!
He had to turn himself in that same day.
He's a drunk driver
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When
the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."
Testing a new recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult
issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!