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Clinton
Bill Clinton's haircut
Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe,
"How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"
Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and
fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe
handed him a bill for $200.
Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is
costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."
Who would have been President?
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas
station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high
school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you
wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President."
Make the world happier
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are
flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their
success stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make
someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and
make ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the
United States and world happy."
The development of a new stamp
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and
Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers
would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
The Adventures of Bill Clinton
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White
House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
[President Bill]
Hello! Hello!
[Voice on the line]
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin just ordered the launch of
all Russian missiles in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
[President Bill]
Oh no!!!
He said he wouldn't do that!
That dirty, rotten jerk!
Bill slams the phone down. He goes the receiver back in the red telephone's
cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk, whirls the combination
locks, flings open the lid, and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes. A
voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
[Voice on the line]
Mr. President, is this a drill?
[President Bill]
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
[Voice on the line]
Are you sure, sir?
[President Bill]
Yes!!!
Fire the missiles!!!
Fire the missiles now!!!
[Voice on the line]
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
[President Bill]
Thank you, son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair. Suddenly, an
aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
[Aid]
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kind of pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
Clinton's accomplishments
|------------------------------------------------|
| My list of accomplishments for my first six |
| years as the President. I will only be |
| recording those good things that I have done. |
| After all, the police and investigation teams |
| already have a nice file on me down at their |
| offices for the "other" things I have done. |
| |
| My list of accomplishments for my first six |
| years as the President of the United States: |
| |
| 1. |
| |
|________________________________________________|
Very short books in the making
These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but
they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to
take up no more than half of a page.
1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
2. Clinton Policies that actually save money
3. The Logic of the Politically Correct
4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked
5. Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
7. "The Submissive Woman" by Hillary Clinton.
8. Creating New Jobs in America - by Bill Clinton
9. "Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
11. "Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
12. "Deep-Thinking Liberals"
13. "The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
14. "Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
15. "The Merits of Gun Control"
16. "Feminists Worth Marrying"
17. "How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" by Socialists.
18. "To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill
The attributes of Clinton's
health plan
The Clinton Health Plan has the:
1. Simplicity of the IRS.
2. Results of rent control.
3. Efficiency of the Post Office.
4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes
5. Management success of national debt.
6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture.
7. Dependency of a weather forecaster.
The Stupid Comments of Hillary
Clinton
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to
your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really
a great guy"?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hillary and
myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible
misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know
us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few
things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her
remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of
context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary's life, which can
be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our
best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it
certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my
eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more
German-Americans than my three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts
which we'll pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the
American people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this
is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I never
thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just keep
taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me and they
aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too
much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash,
that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were
doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hillary's voice. You guys ought to have
checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole
story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is is just
the latest manifestation of the vicious smear campaign orchestrated by the white
house, who have declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win
this election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about
this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only Nazis you find in America these
days are people like David Duke, who of course is a Republican, not a Democrat.
But I certainly don't mean to imply that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in
his closet. As I told Hillary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a
right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon and
has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly in
Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from
his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of this
nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such
things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he
isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've
always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid misleading
or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat, getting more
dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared of
losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People are
genuinely disillusioned with the way things are in Washington, and this kind of
sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down, they've been
shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their
resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as much of an
outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the
people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring
everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and once
again vicious lies are spread about us and guerrilla tactics are used against
us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain
cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising
honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle class
tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor honest retired
folks by slashing their social security payments, how opposed I am to raising
the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary
should have just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
Asking the Wizard of Oz
President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled
together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.
First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no
compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wizard said, "So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I'm unintelligent and
have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, "So be it".
Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I
lack conviction. I wish to have some courage". The Wizard granted this wish as
well.
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said,
"Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
Helping the United States of
America
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in
the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the
shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
President Bill Clinton visits
Pearly Gates
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes
there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on Earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't
hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but
you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.'
You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it
'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath
waiting for it to freeze over."
Let's vote on this now
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the
Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life
preserver jacket.
Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life
preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee
can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Nicknames of Bill Clinton and
his master
Bill Clinton Nicknames
McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel
Hillary Clinton nicknames
Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham
What are you doing there?
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily
constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing
with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what
are you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush with this manure, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why
not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough here to make Bill Clinton."
President Clinton meets some
voters
President Clinton is shaking hands with the voters after being
elected for the second time.
"Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about you in the past
few years."
Clinton laughs: "You can't prove any of it!"
Clinton at the May Day parade
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military
parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill
Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of
tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel
carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers,
electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were
overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and
long-range tactical and strategic bombers.
Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably
impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a
disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last
artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"
Worries about early morning jogs
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of
taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody
threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft,
and Clinton was able to dodge it.
A new dog at the White House
Bill Clinton is walking a dog around the White House lawn early one
morning.
He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says "Mr. President, is that a
new dog?"
Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
The marine looks at the the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Excellent
trade."
The fierce civil wars
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former
Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and
bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor
of diversity.
The punishments in hell
A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the
Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil
replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his
punishment."
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model.
The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil
replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."
Writing a new policy that will
change America
Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks
is going to "save" America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.
Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure about this. Why do you go
back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc.
If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we'll think about it."
So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night's work ever. He really
puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next
morning.
Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass
judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President,
we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes.
Here's the deal. I'm giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we
won't pass it."
"But what if I get a 12?" Bill asks. And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".
Clinton's most unpopular action
President Clinton, speaking in private with his advisor on public
favor, told him that the planned invasion of Haiti will be the most unpopular
thing that he has ever done as the President of the United States.
"Actually, sir, according to our research, the most unpopular thing you've ever
done was to be inaugurated as President. It's just been downhill from there."