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Texas Transplant
Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush's visit to
their ranch earlier that day.
"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the
cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."
They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked
if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."
They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was
when he tried to milk that steer!"
Bush's Joint Chiefs of Staff
George Bush is so dumb he thinks the Joint Chiefs of Staff are a bunch of
indians who roll extra fat doobies.
Puzzling
George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle
and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen,
and asks what he's doing.
Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't
seem to make the pieces fit right."
Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and
come to bed."
Pink, Grey, & Stuck
What's pink, grey, and can't fit through a doorway?
George W. Bush with a javelin through his head!
Knock Knock: Dumb...
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dumbass.
Dumbass who?
You know, President Bush.
Current Administration
Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration?
A: Because we're being ruled by a Bush, a Dick, and a Colin.
Hans Across Iraq
Dear Mr. Blix,
Welcome to Iraq! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors to visit my
humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to assist the totally neutral
and gloriously impotent UN in serving their American Masters. I realize that
many of you would much rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently
ineffective do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values on
behalf of Western oil companies.
Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the business of
concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to the stone ages of 1991, I
thought I’d help reorient you to the ways of magical Baghdad with a few “Dos”
and “Don’ts”.
DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and worthless Western
baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty,
lobster-red warmongers then when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third
World “savages”. We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached
bones. I joke!
DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use. Moreover,
ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are indigenous to Baghdad. While
you’re at it, ignore the totally desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at
the corner of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.
DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire. And while
you’re busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos sovereignty, feel free to
double-check the bedpans of the dying, gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour
into the dirt any and all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might
uncover.
DON’T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks or Nintendo
Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless, aesthetic “tools” you
cannot unearth the make-believe stores of plutonium I don’t have hidden
underneath my opulent Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for
my own noble pleasures.
DON’T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your Liberal Arts
Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture than the advanced West.
Whereas you respect the differences between languages, cultures and value
systems, I want to kill. Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school
teachers, the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure, my
new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.
DON’T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think it barbaric and
backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system is based on sound fascistic
principles that have helped keep the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate
squalor for decades.
I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience. I pray that those of you I
do not like do not accidentally get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you
are busy inventing!
In Me I Trust,
Saddam
Rejected US Army Slogans
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"Knock Up Foreign Broads"
"All The Grits You Can Eat"
"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won''''''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
"Don''''t Ask, Don''''t Tell, Don''''t Accessorize"
“Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Play Doom… For Real!"
"Sure Beats Lurnin''''''''!"
"Because Terminators Are Real"
5 presidents are on a plane
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas
Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will
make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one
dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one
dollar bills off the plane.
Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill
Clinton off the plane.
One hungry Bush...
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to
them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says,
"Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and
storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
George Bush is so stupid...
George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.
I feel like chicken tonight
Why did George Bush cross the road?
Beause his penis was stuck in the chicken!
Famous George W. Quotes
"I believe Men and Fish can coexist together peacfully."
"I support Latino owned buisnesses, women owned buisnesses, and every other kind
of person owned buisnesses."
Big pimpin'
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and George Bush?
A pimp with a speech impediment.
yo mama's fart stinks so bad ..
Yo mama's fart stinks so bad that George Bush declared it biological warfare.
We take you now to the Oval
Office
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me
the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then
get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send
some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the
Middle East?
The First Lady's patriotic
duties
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.
Top ten reasons George W. Bush
should be impeached
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9)Two words... Big Oil.
10) Sanity is an inalieble right.
PC Pot
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and
many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed
the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create
cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100
years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You
break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five
cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge
others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they
emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk
factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their
calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the
United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past)
two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who
has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also
teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on
command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and
who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and
sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8
days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as
well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to
spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling
people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to
put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist
peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of
their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell
them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in
a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk
manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the
company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.