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I Had a Dream
Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said, "George, I called you because I
had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was
beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."
Bush asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Bush said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I
had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than
before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was
also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"
Bush replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
The President Sucks
President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and
sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in
the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents
return.
"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice
President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"
"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."
Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years
to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would
be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the
world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which
gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because
there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the
Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's
cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and
leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got
close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in
one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how
this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the
meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest,
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working
for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
The Great Saddam and Bush Debate
Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a
televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had
they met
Tuesday February 25, 2003
Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W.
Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We
will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.
, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one
of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the
world.
Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some
common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress
and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.
Bush: Do I answer that?
Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with
al-Qaida?
Bush: I do not.
Blair: The question is for Saddam.
Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida
and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but
since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such
links.
Bush: Neither do I.
Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America and
Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?
Bush: That's easy. America, right?
Saddam: Even I knew that one.
Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side
of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq,
North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?
Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.
Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!
Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis
of Evil.
Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?
Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of
Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?
Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we
would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are
happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed
the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.
Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way
that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to
reach a negotiated solution?
Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN
inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation.
Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next
one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that.
Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass
destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked.
Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to
revulge. And even that will not be enough.
Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on
it over the weekend.
Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.
Saddam: OK.
Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN
Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.
Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming"
according to the OED.
Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.
Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.
Bush: Too late.
Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?
Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.
Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?
Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya
Harding fight follows after the break.
The Monkey Goes Where the Wind
Blows ...
This week, the Bush administration finally released the official start-date of
the U.S. war in Iraq, giving the United Nations a March 17th deadline by which
to disband, or face total annihilation. As a side-note the White House also
designated that date as the deadline by which Iraq must be fully disarmed in
order to avoid the gift of democracy. Secretary of State Colin Powell spoke to
reporters after addressing the U.N. earlier this week, explaining that, “even
though we consider the destruction of the Iraqi people a major priority, our
greater motivation is to completely undermine the United Nations as a credible
or functioning entity in global affairs. We wouldn’t be accused so consistently
of violating international law if there was no international law of which to
speak.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld elaborated on that position Friday,
chuckling that, “that should take care of some of the crybabys.” D
During the same briefing, Donald Rumsfeld addressed his notorious remarks that
characterized the opposition to America’s war in Iraq as “old Europe,”
clarifying that, “when I used that term to describe countries like France and
Germany, I just meant it in the respect that when we’re through with the world,
they won’t have electricity, running water, or gay bathhouses, just like in
Medieval times .”
So as the deadline approaches, the U.N.’s fifteen member security council
remains sharply divided on the matter, but President Bush has maintained his
steadfast confidence in the necessity of action in Iraq, strengthened by his
belief that, “Jesus would never send a Yale man to Hell.” In light of
international pleas, from both nation members of the U.N. and a weapon
inspections team headed by Hans Blix, to continue pursuing peaceful disarmament,
President Bush stated during his Thursday press conference that, “I think it’s
clear beyond a reasonable doubt that we are still in a diplomatic phase right
now. War is not inevitable. Saddam Hussein has until March 17th to decide. If by
then 2 million Iraqi people spontaneously die, Saddam Hussein drowns in his
kitchen sink, the United Nations stops inventing treaties we don’t want to sign,
oil becomes obsolete, Iraq changes its national anthem to “Downtown” by Petula
Clark, I win yet another term without having to undergo a democratic election,
my father stops referring to me remorsefully as “Barbara’s night of indiscretion
with a sub-average Ferris-wheel operator from a genetically questionable
Mississippi pharmaceutical town,” and Iraq fully and finally disarms, then we
can begin to make some peaceful progress. It’s a very simple demand that has
been met with resistance, lies, and deception for more than a decade. This is
Saddam Hussein’s last chance to prove he can disarm to avert war.”
Going into this weekend, Iraq responded to the American proposed deadline by
quickening the pace of its missile destruction, under the observation of U.N.
weapons inspectors. By Sunday afternoon, the number of dismantled weapons had
jumped from six to 46. President Bush responded to these efforts of disarmament,
opening and closing his remarks by indicating that, “that’s not what we mean by
disarmament.” In order to better qualify the vagueness of America’s demands, the
President explained that later in the week that, “while we consider regime
change in Iraq inevitable, we consider war completely evitable.”
As the White House seriously contemplates the offhand possibility of war,
cautiously weighing the costs and benefits therein, a quarter of a million U.S.
troops have massed on the desert borders of Iraq, “for a military symposium on
the importance of sand,” according to an unidentified officer stationed in
Kuwait. Armed Forces General Tommy Franks spoke further on the special event
that includes such sand-oriented educational clinics as driving tanks in the
sand, blowing craters in the sand and littering the sand with body parts,
stating that, “while the convention is geared toward tactical maneuvering in the
sand, we are also acutely aware of our coincidental proximity to Iraq. And in
the unlikely event that President Bush orders a strike on Iraq, we are prepared
to send our valued sand experts home and go to work. We may be in the midst of a
crucial training phase, but the United States army is always ready to answer the
call of duty, no matter how suddenly it comes.”
And while it bears repeating that the war in Iraq is still avoidable according
to the Bush administration, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer warned
Americans during a Friday press conference that, “the coming war, which is being
done to prevent terrorism at home and abroad, will certainly renew the great
threat of terrorist attacks against the United States and its friends and
allies.” And to combat the routinely non-specific nature of Homeland Security’s
recent terror alerts, he introduced the White House’s newest measure in ensuring
the complete pervasion of an insane and unquenchable panic in the American
public, unveiling www.itcouldbeyou.gov. The new, federally maintained website
will give Americans the opportunity to sign in, enter personal information and
find out if they, individually, could be the next victim of a terrorist attack.
Fleischer described it as “a great way to assess your own vulnerability." All
you have to do is enter your name, address, social security number, credit card
information, a copy of the deed to your house, the number of crimes you’ve been
convicted of, the names of all the communists you’ve ever met, read or seen on
television, you’re favorite pillar of Islam and three magazines that you’d most
like to receive great subscription deals on and we tell you whether or not you,
your family or your friends could be the next victims of a fundamentalist
terrorist attack. If the answer is yes, you will be presented with a list of
products that could protect you from terrorism, thanks to an agreement between
the administration and the Best Buy superstore chain. The site will also feature
such purchase options as anti-terror supply gift certificates, local militia
recruitment videos and personal crowd control tasers.
Intelligent Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to
live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" --
George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee
Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his
Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel
Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning,
when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a
problem with forest fires.” – George Bush
A guy walks into a coffee shop
and sees ...
A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting
together. He introduces himself and asks President Bush, "How goes the War
effort, Sir?"
President Bush answers, "We're getting ready to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one
blonde."
The guy asks in astonishment, "Why are you killing one blonde?"
President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says, "See, I told you people wouldn't
care about the Iraqi's."
George and Laura Bush were on a
private...
George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public speaking in
Florida.
After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns to Laura
and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of the airplane and make
a person happy?"
Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of the
airplane and make two people happy?"
George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know what
I''''ll do! I''''ll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and make five
people happy!"
The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why don''''t you
both jump out of the airplane and make the whole world happy?!"
What did the troops say to Bush
& Rumsfeld...
What did the troops say to Bush & Rumsfeld when they told them to march to
Baghdad?
We Kuwait!
Q. Whats the difference between
George W. ...
Q. What''s the difference between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein ?
A. It took Saddam 20 years to get that unpopular.
George Bush , Saddam Hussein and
General ...
George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking along a beach
together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty champagne bottle lying
in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie materialised before them ,
announcing, "You have two wishes each."
First , George Bush said , "I wish I had an army of a million tanks to wipe out
Saddam Hussein's army and free the people of Iraq! I also wish I had a fleet of
a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies when I'm done !"
The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .
"Ha !" Saddam retorted . "You won't defeat me so easily ! I wish there was an
impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis or infidel
Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely back to my palace in
Baghdad !"
And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a puff of
smoke .
This left only General Cosgrove .
"Well , first of all ," said the good General ,"tell me about this wall ."
"Well , it's higher than any aeroplane can fly and thicker than any explosive
can penetrate ," replied the Genie . "There are no entrances or exits .
Basically , nothing can get in or out ."
"Right ," replied Cosgrove . "Fill it with water ."
What do Saddam Hussien and
General Custer ...
What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have in common?
They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.
Doctor Demented
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take
a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six
weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took
a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost
immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."
THE DAILY SHOW HEADLINES
AUSTIN CITY LIMITS
As the Democratic Party hones its campaign strategy for next year's election, it
might look to Austin, Texas, where Democrats are facing off against Republicans
using a strategy experts have dubbed "running like hell."
Fifty-three legislators from the Texas House of Representatives bolted for the
Oklahoma state line to prevent a vote that would redraw voting districts to
favor the Republican House Majority.
Speaker of the house Tom Craddick broke the news, saying, "we have found 40-plus
members located in Ardmore, Oklahoma, they are staying at the Holiday Inn, at
the present time, five minutes ago they were having dinner at Denny's, for those
of you who might be interested in that." Divisions in the Democratic ranks
appeared at Denny's, where representatives were deadlocked over the issue of
whether or not the "Moons Over My Hammy" is delicious.
VIOLENT DRILL TEAM
A nationwide bio-terrorism drill was kicked off in Seattle last week, as a mock
explosion of a dirty bomb tested the preparedness of firefighters, police, and
other emergency workers.
The Seattle drill is said to have run smoothly until news of the wartime
re-enactment reached a group of nearby Civil War buffs, who excitedly set up a
basecamp and attempted to saw off victims' legs.
According to Seattle mayor Greg Nickels, such an event is crucial to national
security because, quote, "homeland security really begins at home." Nickels is
actually speaking literally. Homeland security really does begin at his home as
Tom Ridge is crashing on his couch for a couple of days.
BLAIRLY LEGAL
The New York Times recently printed an exhaustive front-page story flagellating
itself for the deceptions of a Times reporter, Jayson Blair, while also
providing the first evidence we've seen in years that newspapers have any sense
of shame.
Blair was discovered to have falsified and plagiarized dozens of stories for the
Times. One glaring example of Blair's deception were his vivid bedside
descriptions of wounded Marines at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center. The hitch
is, he was never there but interviewed them by phone. This fact should have been
more apparent when he relied on one heavily sedated Marine's description of the
other as "a quiet purple centaur with TV coming from his mouth."
Expense reports show Blair was at home in Brooklyn when he was supposed to be in
Maryland covering the sniper story. One embarrassingly false report that made
the front page of the Times was titled, "Boy, There Sure is a Lot of Sniping
Going on Here Where I Am. Maryland That is... Where I Am at Presently. Dang.
Look Around at Maryland."
Read more Daily Show
Divided By A Common Language
The British speech:
"If you are ferocious in battle, remember to be magnanimous in victory, we go to
liberate, not to conquer.
We are entering Iraq to free a people, and the only flag that will be flown in
that ancient land is their own. Don't treat them as refugees, for they are in
their own country. If there are casualties of war, then remember, when they woke
up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day. Allow them
dignity in death. Bury them properly and mark their graves. You will be shunned
unless your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow you down
history. Iraq is steeped in history. It is the site of the Garden of Eden, of
the Great Flood and the birth of Abraham. Tread lightly there."
The US speech :
"When the president says 'Go', look out - it's hammer time"
(followed by "We Will Rock You" at high volume)
Bush got a coded message from
Saddam
Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to
the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down ...
Nowhere to Hide
President Bush is so stupid, he tried to hide in a corner in the Oval Office.
Yo mama's so stupid...
Yo mama's so stupid, she voted for George Bush, and meant to.