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The very high health care costs
Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In
America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.
In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases
they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more. In fact,
they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.
President Carter's "funny" joke
In an interview with David Letterman, Carter passed along an anecdote
of a translation problem in Japan. Carter was speaking at a business lunch in
Tokyo, where he decided to open his speech with a brief joke.
He told the joke, then waited for the translator to announce the Japanese
version. Even though the story was quite short, Carter was surprised by how
quickly the interpreter was able to re-tell it. Even more impressive was the
reaction from the crowd. Carter thought the story was cute, but not outright
hilarious, yet the crowd broke right up. Carter was very flattered.
After the speech, Carter wanted to meet the translator to ask him how he told
the joke. Perhaps there is better way to tell the joke?
When Carter asked how the joke had been told in Japanese, the translator
responded, "I told them, 'President Carter has told a very funny joke. Please
laugh now.'"
Democrats versus Republicans
1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this
country. The remainder is thrown out.
3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans
wear theirs.
5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures,
politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents
or grandparents, according to where the money is.
7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither
are Republicans.
8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any
reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in
the bottom of the bird cage.
10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by
Democrats.
11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise
Airedales, kids, and taxes.
12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
13. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls,
but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the
plans their grandfathers made.
15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why
there are more Democrats.
Strange United States laws
from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate
limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats,
and other domesticated animals kept as pets. Kibo.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do
not match. nj.
Attention Gooley: In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a
farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other
theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.
In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless
gown. Blair!
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer
from a bucket. cj!
In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act
takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. Jenine!
In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your
hands.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's
permission. Gypsy!
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window
within the city limits.It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while
standing in front of a man's picture. Gypsy?
In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or
humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a
tavern, school, or place of worship. Gypsy.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop
every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be
cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public
(includes legs and face). Gypsy!
In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt
or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's
consent to beat her with a wider strap. gypsy.
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within
this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be
armed with a club" gypsy
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall
not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds
(gypsy), nor shall it apply to female horses."
In the United States, the federal government forces states to set speed limits
of 55 miles per hour or less. This law was later ammedend to allow travel at 65
miles per hour but only on rural roads.
A guide to academic newspeak
by a student at Harvard Divinity School, 1989
Gender
Radical feminism
Oppressors
White male heterosexuals
Bias
Basing scholarship on reason and evidence
Patriarchal models
Objectivity, logic, rational discourse, mathematics, science, the Bible, the
U.S. Constitution, family values, motherhood and apple pie
Politically aware
Politically far-left
Being divisive
Deviating from the beliefs of the politically aware (see politically aware);
synonymous with being hostile
Liberal arts education
Political indoctrination
Guilt
Feeling bad about your genes, but not about your actions
Women and men
The forces of good and evil in the dualism of gender (see gender)
Diversity
The gathering together of as large a group as possible of discontents, deviants
and social misfits while excluding, suppressing and bashing conservatives,
Republicans, evangelicals, adherents of historical religions, serious students
and anyone resistant to indoctrination
Sensitivity
Being deferential toward and extraordinarily circumspect around those included
in diversity while gratuitously attacking those excluded from diversity (see
diversity)
Greater diversity
Doing a better job of weeding out those excluded from diversity (see diversity)
Being exclusive
Providing equal opportunity and equal protection under the law, regardless of
race or sex
Hermeneutics/Deconstructionism
Interpreting texts from the perspective of gender (see gender) with a
rationalization by anyone with a French name
Victims
All those not fitting the definition of oppressor (see oppressors) and
officially recognized far-left groups; does not include refugees from leftist
totalitarian countries, such as Vietnamese boat people, Cuban immigrants, etc.
Sexism
The discrimination against and stereotyping of women or the failure to
discriminate against and stereotype men
Racism
The belief held by white oppressors (see oppressors) that their race is superior
to that of non-white victims (see Victims) or the failure to apologize for one's
own race if that race should be white; term is not applicable to non-whites
Moderates
The Sandinistas, Castro, Lenin, Mao, Hillary Clinton and all those who are
politically aware (see politically aware)
Ultra-conservatives/the far right
All those to the right of moderates (see moderates)
Leftists
The empty set; exist only in the rhetoric of ultra-conservatives (see
ultra-conservatives)
Inclusive language
An ostentatious form of new speak which seeks to remove the generic use of 'man'
and 'he' (along with common sense and eloquence) from the language, e.g. "What
are persons, that thou art mindful of her/him? and the child of persons, that
thou doest care for him/her?"
Censorship
A good thing when done by politically aware (see poltically unaware), e.g.
punishing owners of baseball teams for alleged comments made during private
conversations; a bad thing when done by ultra-conservatives (see
ultra-conservatives).
Iconoclasm
1. An activity self-righteously pursued by the politically aware; 2. an activity
considered criminal when the icons of the politically aware are involved (see
politically aware)
Iconoclast
One who can dish it out but can't take it
The new Bill of Rights
Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of
Rights was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read
those first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly
different now.
And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred
million. The nation's desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of
togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and
replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.
We're not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should
reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it's time to bring the wording up
to date showing what we are and who we are.
AMENDMENT I
Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did;
and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can
be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive
speech;" or shall abridge the right of the people to peaceably assemble where
and when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition the government for a
redress of grievances, under proper procedures.
It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more
persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared Protected by one
or more divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in which case the
number of persons shall be one or more.
AMENDMENT II
A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the
President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain a
military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to keep and
bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and the Cities and
the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.)
AMENDMENT III
No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the
consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or
believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy.
AMENDMENT IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and
effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended except
to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by
law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or
conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial
proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to law.
AMENDMENT V
Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion
whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, by
the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and may be compelled to be a
witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion
thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private
property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of
the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.
AMENDMENT VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to avoid
prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to
succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges.
Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It
shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury.
AMENDMENT VII
In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may
interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall not be abridged.
AMENDMENT VIII
Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons remain in
custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded
protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon
incarceration facilities available.
AMENDMENT IX
The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or
discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of
Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become
enacted by Amendment.
AMENDMENT X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be
deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment therein through the
Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as
determined by the public interest. The public interest shall be determined by
the Civil Service.
The types of cows
If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the
government sells him some of the milk.
If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government
gives him some of the milk.
If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.
If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.
If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away
the milk.
If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow
and gives it to the poor.
If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at
them.
If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.
If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.
If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.
If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.
If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.
If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even
label them as cows.
If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two
cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.
The definition of BTU
Recent confusion about the meaning of the abbreviation BTU has lead
to the creation of set definitions that may be used when discussing its meaning.
1. Big Time Unemployment
2. Buy Thermal Underwear
3. Bill's Tax Utopia
4. Being Totally Unfair
Flags tell us information about
our taxes
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our
flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white
when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
King George the Third's response
to the Declaration of Independence
The Court of King George III London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson,
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly,
it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit
serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet
recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return
the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might
assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature's
God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base
your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent
literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling
data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of
mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please elaborate. If they
are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate
the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your
proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is
the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of
at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without
outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10
percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these
ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute
a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the
alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long
list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your
problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that
the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are
"Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to
achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will
you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a
little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How
cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your
strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will
constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas
of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since
Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any assessment
of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your
undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of
Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date
for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures
will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
The development of a new
programming language
I've heard there's a new programming language out from University of
Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and
inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since it won't allow
you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent
upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.
Personally, I don't think either will be around in four years.
Republicans Democrats
The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a
homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to
his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave
it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person,
He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket
and gave him fifty dollars.
True politicial story
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the
first night of one of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night.
Will come second night if you have one."
Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a
friend if you have one."
What is one billion?
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Debate military issue
I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick
thinks the military exists "only to kill people" and says so at every chance he
gets.
Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to
make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.
A recent interchange went something like this:
Rick: "'Military intelligence' is a contradiction in terms."
Mike: "No more than 'civilian worker'."
What day is that day?
My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him,
"What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
My husband quickly answered, "Election day."
Short laughs & quips
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
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There's one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.
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...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.
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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon
A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If
elected I promise'."
Purchasing new brains
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for
promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant
center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's
director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be
really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for
example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two
thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce
of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth
is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to
kill?"