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Dubya Quotes
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from
the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen,
that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy --
but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word
is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer
has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to
blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush
may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
Genie and the Taliban
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the
genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no
infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around
Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually
impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so
excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to
define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a
tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an
accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss!
Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura
were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most
people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great
loss!"
Dubya, Cheney & Jumbo
George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group
of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud
shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"
Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.
Bush and Cheney Lunch
Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks
what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind
of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"
She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president
and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."
Clinton, Bush, and Washington...
Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the
women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ''Do we have time?''
Pulling His Cheney
George W. Bush ran into Colin Powell`s office exclaiming, "Dick Cheney hanged
himself in his bathroom!"
Colin Powell says "Oh, No! Did you cut him down?"
"Cut him down?" asks George W. "How could I cut him down? He wasn`t dead yet!"
Bush's Favor
George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of
businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my
name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight.
We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if,
when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in
conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
Bush's Morning Run
A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was
on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the
boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."
The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"
A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow.
Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of
pupies are in the box?"
The boy said, "Democracts"
Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were
Republicans!"
The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."
George W. Drowning
One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard
cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake
drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.
Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a
boat."
The second boy said, "I want a truck."
And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."
Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"
The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is
going to kill us all!"
Top 10 Things You Don't Want
Dubya to Say
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two
beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the
wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed
the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us.
After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire
too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in
November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this
time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out
loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are
all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S.
space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and
I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to
drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course,
if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very
refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm
not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was
the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the
air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW
EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Bush, Einstein and Picasso
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let
him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into
paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and
let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How
can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew
his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
Bush & the Blackboard
George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked
the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and
the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."
Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they
could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it?
Can you spell "Is" and "We"?
The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.
"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact,
they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"
The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The
President is we tall did."
George Dubya on a Sinking Ship
George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.
Texas Talkin'
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally
introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't
stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be
deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as
you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You
can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
George W. and Moses
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old
man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying
two stone tablets in his arms.
He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?"
But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him
again, ''Aren't you Moses?''
The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George
grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me --
Aren't you Moses?"
The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I
ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"
Bush's Winning Campaign Slogans
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me!
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers.
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Bush and Clinton and Bush
A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something, knowing that you
put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."
"Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."
Bush and Gore, together again
Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the
other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with
none.
Gore screamed for a revote.
The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a
revote.
So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back
with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy
and asks whether Bush is cheating.
"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."
Things Dubya Shouldn't Say
1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I
really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's birthday
gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I'm afraid he
won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good
thing will come of this!
3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and
instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this
day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY,
WITH A..."
4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is
a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!
5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!
6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I
know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my
father. You have elected the son of the mailman!
7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my
Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive
me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a
thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those less than
unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like
Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when
they're talking about laws and junk.
8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?
9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high
school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished -
Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!
10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to -
Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal
here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned in a long
time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who
happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW stones at people?
...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to Afghanistan without me,
I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!