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Funny Quotes from Gore
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
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"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
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"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -
but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
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"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that
one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
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"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
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"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
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"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
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"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes
and Blunders
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
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"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
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"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have
tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
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"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer
has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to
blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
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"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or
may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Will of Americans
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the
head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in
the morning."
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American
agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President
said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells
me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to
stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of
Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard
from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning,
and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans
want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.
Bush sues Santa
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in
federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and
then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the
beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional
practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before
packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal
judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and
duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted,
without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all
boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead
because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what
he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked
right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St.
Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit
checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand
closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a
name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs,
not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself.
"He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
George Bush slogans
Top George Bush Slogans
I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
New penal plan: I won't use mine!
Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Bush running mate
Bush and His Running Mate
Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the
Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor
Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of
the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican
circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was
pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already
knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away
from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize
printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can
use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).
Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic
group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile
and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at
approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will
mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in
1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit
different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however
is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the
'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to
reach, let alone give instructions to."
Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some
unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his
training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to
cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on
cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."
For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell
'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running
on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was
"clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and
perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to
use one before.
President precedent
Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*
... BAD *PRECEDENT:
Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"
Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd
do it all again."
... BAD *PRESIDENT:
Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."
- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States
- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United
States..."
- and will to the best of my ability
- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."
- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ...
of America."
- So help me God.
- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"
Research Bush
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?
Entertain guests
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their
house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and
said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing
..."
Stuck in a plane
George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a
small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of
the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane
George, Jr., grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"
Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:
"Your dad?"
"He left me here! Took the parachute!"
"Sir, your dad?"
"He's the pilot! Gosh!"
"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you
to give me your height and position."
"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"
Plane's terrorist
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the
cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled
pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W
Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South
America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this
plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you
shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the
rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said,
"Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to
me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being
killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do
that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me
they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to
Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the
passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust
into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"
Chased by a bear
George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a
holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is.
Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight.
One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.
Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the
luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.
They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so
that the two others will be able to escape.
"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to
eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."
"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts,
"For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the
chase.
"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and
a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."
"George!" G. W's mama says.
G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.
His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us
he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets
killed.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.
But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and
he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and
I'll blow you to pieces!!"
People are stupid
George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they
are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it
to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they
finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really
stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner.
You could have called instead."