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You might be a redneck if 71
You might be a reneck if...
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it
to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your
medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
You might be a redneck if 72
You might be a reneck if...
You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.
You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.
You put a Clapper on your headlights.
You need a dictionary to spell your name.
You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.
People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.
Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.
You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that
you shot with your deer gun.
You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.
The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends
trying to read the label on the bottle.
You might be a redneck if 73
You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above
your fireplace.
You might be a redneck if 74
You might be a reneck if...
You re-use dental floss to save money.
You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the
liquor store.
Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.
Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of
other things."
You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if...
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You might be a redneck if 75
You might be a reneck if...
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word
"chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The
worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are
offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to
wait for a commercial.
You might be a redneck if 76
You might be a reneck if...
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side..
.it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get
the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't
find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home. You think the symbol for the
Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. More than half the droids you own
don't function. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. You wonder why
Luke and Leia gave up on getting married. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to
mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored
in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or
DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your
accent.
You might be a redneck if 77
You might be a reneck if...
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant
cow. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor
monster refused to eat you.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to
spare a loved one.
You might be a redneck if 78
You might be a reneck if...
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal
like a pig.
The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
You might be a redneck if 79
You might be a reneck if...
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have
ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You've ever argued with a Jawa over
scavenging rights to a broken droid. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to
shave. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette
with your lightsaber.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
Immunizations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard's feet, owl's beaks and pig's
ears.
Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it's shown on The Learning Channel.
You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.
Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
Hick computer terms
Redneck computer terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Redneck wants to fight
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from
each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never
passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for
years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that
river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the
chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was
wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that
he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he
started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
Hick computer terms
Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when
your wife asks.
The redneck truckers
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck
driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they
weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them
separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the
interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the
usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this
potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team.
One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going
down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All
of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the
first thing you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke
up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes
Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The
personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"
Redneck been here?
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Rednecks flying home
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for
elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big
bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the
pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will
have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six
elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything.
What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the
men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly
out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the
wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where
we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards
further along than where we crashed last year!"
Rednecks go fishing
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the
reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the
woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until
finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and
says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred
bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
A redneck oil change
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter,
kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket
first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto
floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step
23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
A redneck gets shot
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his
cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray
picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
A driving application
Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
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