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The Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this
had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door
holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door
and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show,
is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna
get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the
two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off,
"Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
Redneck Bubblebath
Q: How does a redneck take a bubblebath?
A: He farts in a puddle.
Redneck Soccer
You know your a redneck if you're playing soccer and you say ''I hit my two best
balls today... with a rake.''
You Might Be A Redneck...Shotgun
You might be a redneck if you like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before
you could walk!
Redneck Grandma
You might be a redneck if your grandma goes to the bathroom and comes out
yelling “Come look before I flush it!”
If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some
chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken
bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is
choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and
bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches
these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up
all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls
his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver
works like a charm."
Okie Jokie
Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?
A: Carry-Oakies
Right of Way
Q: Who has the right of way any time?
A: The car with a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads "Guns don't kill
people, I do."
Biggest Pee Pee
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a
redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy
got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.
"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the
Spanish boy, "Lets play."
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and
whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down
his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled
down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the
redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
"You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you
make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other
boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
Hanging With Rednecks
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says ''Just Say No To Crack'' and
it reminds you to pull up your pants!
A Letter From A Redneck Mother
To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we
did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within
twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house,
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled
the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final
payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if
it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he
fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the
other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and
swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this
letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Family
You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women.
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one
another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her
nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The
southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Redneck Shopper
You know you're a redneck if you do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck
stop.
WINDERS 98
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows
98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the
Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed
on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct
tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations
that carry the race car n' truck
Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the
Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
You Might Be A Redneck
If...Dishwasher
You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting the
wife drunk!
Redneck Baseball
You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get
to second base.
You Might Be A Redneck... Ammo
You might be a redneck if your mother has ammo on her Christmas list!
Redneck Ghost Story
A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small pop quiz around Halloween.
"Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About 30% of the class puts their
hand up.
"Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?" About 10% of the class
puts their hand up.
"Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Dead silence, until a little
redneck boy in the back row puts up his hand.
"You've actually had sex with a ghost?"
"Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!"
Louisiana Tourist Attraction
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please
settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very
slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
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