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Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes
he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road
and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should
I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when
it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a
bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
Redneck Christmas Shopping
You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom,
sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.
You Might Be A Redneck
You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!
Ways to Tell a Redneck is on
Your Computer
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos
playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Redneck Birth Control...
Cherrybomb
A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they
already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What
state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb
in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so
sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the
exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the
doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count.
''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his
legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Death
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family died right after saying, ''Hey,
y'all watch this!''
Rednecks Talkin'
You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, “Someone go
jiggle the handle.”
You Might Be A Redneck
You might be a redneck if your toilet has more carpet than your floor!
You Might Be A Redneck
You might be a redneck if you steal bank canisters and use them as food
containers!
Bubba Claus
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following
carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also
get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: ''These toys insured
by Smith and Wesson.''
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear ''On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...'' when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, ''On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and
Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.''
5. ''Ho, ho, ho!'' has been replaced by ''Yee Haw!'' And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, ''I her'd dat!''
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ''Back Off!'' The last I
heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or
Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ''Miracle on 34th Street'' and
''It's a Wonderful Life'' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see ''Boss Hogg Saves Christmas'' and ''Smokey and the Bandit
IV'' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like ''Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer'' and Bing Crosby's ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.''
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in
the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's ''Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's ''All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six
Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s ''If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove
It.''
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
How to Know if You're a Redneck
Jedi
1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really
good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to
wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of
beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be
a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light
a bar-b-que.
You Might Be A Redneck If...Law
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because
there's a law against it!
Horse Tears
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the
bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I
can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even
feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try
it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was
before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one
of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try
shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the
fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of
a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
"I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it...
grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying
out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that
the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and
storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won
the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the
black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
Redneck College Grad
A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after
about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when
the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart.
Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are
round, cornbread are square.''
I Guess That's Fair
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag
labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will
you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of
'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
Rules of the Southern Lifestyle
All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who
were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so
let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari
Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda -- this can lead to a merciless
beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team.
All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week.
5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have
been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated,
and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of
judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you
think we're dumb, we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your
money, and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will
know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake,
don't put sugar in your grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't
like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern
games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.
11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and
we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This
could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider
yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place.
Don't push your luck!
Redneck Bubble Baths
You might be a redneck if your wife yells, ''Come on, move this transmission so
I can take a bath!''
You Might Be A Redneck...Custody
You might be a redneck if you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a
dog!
Bar... Alabama
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender
looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and
syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now
asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender
and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him
"It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
Redneck Cookin'
You know you're a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula!
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