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Double Shot of Redneckness
You might be a redneck if you mow your grass and find three cars.
You might be a redneck if you think the first four words of the national anthem
are, ''Gentlemen start your engines''.
You Might Be A Redneck
If...Numbers
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
Dumb Crooks Roundup
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in
Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports
bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was
flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a
felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago,
Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life
without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for
shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a
pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the
man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but
changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops
ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons
violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence
for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a
violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away
for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's
injury is punishment enough.
HEY -- WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store
in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the
store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide
his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the
store... and called the police.
OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're
going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original
owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John
Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an
assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen
in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant -- where cops
found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The
owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a
camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each
other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film
out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men
apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that
stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a
computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects
were quickly arrested.
I THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he
blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut
cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He
had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police
called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints,
and served him with an arrest warrant instead.
AND FINALLY...
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that
Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is
available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus,
killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He
nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train,
killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him
to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the
trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
It's A War-Like Country
A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were both fighting in a war and were captured
by the enemy.
"Before we put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," said the Alabaman. "Could you play 'Yeah, Alabama' before you shoot me?"
"Sure," said the enemy. "How about you, Tennessean?"
"Could you shoot me before you play 'Yeah, Alabama?'"
Field of Dreams?
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then
he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it
at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the
farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to
do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
Cosmopolitan Redneck
You know you're a redneck when the biggest city you've been to is Wal-Mart.
40 Things Never Said By
Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
Post-Coital Redneck
You might be a redneck if you smoke hams after sex.
Football Fan To The Rescue
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid
rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence,
wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his
notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do
you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck
Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
What Didja Learn?
A southern girl returned home after a summer with her grandparents in Ohio. Her
friends asked her what she learned on her trip.
"Well, they have these men up there who like other men."
"Ooh. What are they called?"
"They call them gay."
"What else did you learn?"
"Well, they have these women who like other women."
"Ooh. What are they called?"
"They call them lesbians."
"Did you learn anything else?"
"Yes. They have these men who lick women in their most private parts."
"Ooh. What do they call them?"
"I don't know, but when he was done, I called him 'Precious.'"
Redneck Accessories
You just might possibly be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your
head.
Redneck Feast
You know you're a redneck if you think a seven-course meal is KFC and a sixpack.
Redneck With Empty Tank
You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.
Dubya, Obviously Not Jewish
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend
recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo
ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup
suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a
bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you
Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"
Rednecks' Teeth
Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth
Drivers' Ed
You know you're a redneck if you have sex ed and drivers ed in the same car.
Pump Kin
You might be a redneck if...
...the Jack-O-Lantern on your porch has more teeth than you!
Redneck Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when
your wife asks.
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