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You Might Be A
Redneck...Subdivision
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem!
Redneck Photo Op
You might be a redneck if your last pictures were taken from the front and side.
Redneck Pants
You might be a redneck if every time you see a sign that says: “Just Say No To
Crack,” it reminds you to pull up your pants.
You Might Be A Redneck If...Pool
Table
You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!
Redneck's Medical Dictionary
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
In the back woods of Arkansas...
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle
of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was
brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern
down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within
minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...
It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye
think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Prom
You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare.
Redneck Wins the Lottery
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it
where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If
you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR
BACK!''
Southern Values
There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern
boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling
match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To
celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in
their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie
and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.
As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I'm a
virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up,
dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her
crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just
happened. “She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!” To which his father replied,
“Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family,
she sure ain't good enough for ours!”
You Might Be A Redneck...Motor
Oil
You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the
truck!
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Father
You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because you're both in
the same grade!
Wedding Night
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a
man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as
soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the
new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?'' he asked.
''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''
''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''
''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?''
''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''
''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what
are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the
penis?''
''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks
of my ass!''
You Might Be A Redneck
If...Toilet
You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your
front
Swinging Redneck
How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?
There's dandruff on his/her shoes.
Redneck...Ironing Board
You might be a redneck if you use your ironing board as a buffet table.
Travelling Salesman Joke No.
44892
A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to
get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if
he could spend the night.
"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but
I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."
The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The
salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing
and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they
play football. The salesman didn't understand.
"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown."
The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took
an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally
he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and
let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.
"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.
"Halftime. Switch sides."
You Might Be A Redneck...Crime
Scene
You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your
bathroom door!
Y'know Yer A Redneck
Y'know yer a redneck, when someone yells "Hoedown!" and yer date drop t'the
floor.
Redneck Home Inspection
You might be a redneck if you regularly check the mileage on your home.
Redneck Porch
If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs, you might be a
redneck.
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