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You Might Be In A Redneck Hotel

You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"

You Might Be A Redneck If...Toothpick

You might be a redneck if you had to remove your toothpick for the wedding pictures!

You Might Be A Redneck...Hat

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used hat!

You Might Be A Redneck

You might be a redneck if you refuse to slide during a softball game because you don't want to crush your cigarettes!

You Might Be a Redneck if You Pee Like a

You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does.

Redneck Haircut

You might be a redneck if you and your wife have the same haircut.

You Might Be A Redneck...Chew

You might be a redneck if you spit chewing tobacco in the plants!

You Might Be a Redneck...Pick-up

You might be a redneck if your mattress has more miles than your pick-up.

You Might Be A Redneck If...In-Laws

You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and you still have the same in-laws!

The Deer Hunt

Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. “CLICK”
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday
Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising God never to hunt again.

You Might Be A Redneck...Expert

You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds!

You Might Be A Redneck...Drunk

You might be a redneck if you ever got too drunk to fish!

Clinton's DNA

Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI

You Might Be A Redneck If...Six-Pack

You might be a redneck if you take a six-pack cooler to church!

The Last Southern Virgin

What do you call a 12 year old girl from Louisiana who's a virgin?
Faster than her brothers.

You Might Be A Redneck

You might be a redneck if your wife repeatedly has to tell you to take your transmission off the table!

Redneck Yardwork

You might be a redneck if you're mowing your lawn and find a car.

You Might Be A Redneck If...

You might be a redneck if you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean!

West Virginia State Flower

What's the state flower of West Virginia?
A satellite dish.

You KNOW You're a Redneck

You know you're a redneck when your family tree has only one branch in it, and it loops.

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