HOME
Making an effort to help a
"lonely" child
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager
to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one
side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at
the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot,
still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here
all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Rules for apartment living
1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the
call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's,
sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important
to be interrupted.
2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.
a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of
paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes
b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that
if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the
callee's first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this
3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items
until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the
spatula).
4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly
one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up
after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate you
to be big enough to clean it up.
5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the
bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to
the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40
minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you
have to take the bus.
6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we
are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let other
less important people do that.
7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates room,
be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that they know
you are going to make a phone call to your dog!
8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to
whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how dare
they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!
9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just
let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself
to that level especially when you are a princess?
10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her,
but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is
free for all Summer Interns.
11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and
in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your
roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime they go
to the bathroom.
12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was
buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a
beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.
13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it be in
your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open, your
roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your
roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about
it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.
14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them when
she leaves town--then don't bother wasting your time feeding them. They're only
fish, and they probably won't need to eat anyway.
15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player or
stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if you leave
it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should
you have to put it away??!!??
16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates
pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn't want
to use her pot anyway.
17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking
for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it.
Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.
18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti
sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates
cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy
some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've given it away
either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and
thanks you for giving it to them.
19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because she
knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:
a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city
b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible
c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that
you had.
Are you ready for college?
The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to
attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice
answers for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You
suddenly realize you don?t have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that
don?t make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own
wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you
thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you?ll need to find a roommate. The
most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don?t own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn?t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin? rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van
Halen guitar solo.
d. They don?t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people
too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it?s two
hours before the paper is due and you haven?t even written the first line. You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You
rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole? days
when it wasn?t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new
friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what
you?re made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big
tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn?t begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn?t necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of
the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers
mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your
glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off
the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This
has the added benefit of insuring you won?t have any friends who?ll try to talk
you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it?s crucial that, on your
college application you don?t mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political prisoner."
b. You haven?t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac
dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for
effort.
7) It?s a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You?re asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they?ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football
scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you?re best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you?ve never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you?re paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams,
be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the
country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and
the New World Order, and how you?ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out
of old newspapers and Hershey?s syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In
order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your
first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health
practitioner immediately!
I Could Use a Little Money
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With
all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you
can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a
letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Fifty fun things for professors
to do on the first day of class
1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank,
and serial number.
3. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".
4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in
rapid-fire auctioneer style.
5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a
stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
8. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending
"Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to
drop.
9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY
PACEMAKER!"
10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and
scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll
have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is
your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask
it, "What'll be, McGee?"
15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your
piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several
minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed
normally.
17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
19. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia,
for next class.
22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know"
and move on before anyone can answer.
25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number
on the board.
28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the
next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.
30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.
31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE
YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as
you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.
34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their
distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up
in the field".
39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
40. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
41. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask
students to "sit back and groove".
42. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
43. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their
essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
44. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
45. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number
system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the
number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
46. Address students as "worm".
47. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your
butt looks fat.
48. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
49. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.
50. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy
yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!
Would you please move your cars?
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the
intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move
their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another
announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars
return to class."
The following are only learned
from college
1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Be creative in the dining hall.
3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos
and Oreos
7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for
awhile.)
9. Showers become less important.
10. Sleep becomes more important.
11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until
Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not
that this is anything really new).
15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or
alcohol.
17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
18. You begin to nap again (also not new).
19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for
his class?
21. Labs used to be fun.
22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.
24. E-mail becomes your second language.
25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know,
but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually
proportional to the amount of money you have.
32. Roadtrip whenever possible.
33. Pick up all new lingo.
34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a
real hospital, never ever forget that.
38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more
freedom...and no curfew.
42. It was never this bad when you got sick.
43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an
expression...it's not!
46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys
talk more about that than women and sex put together.
47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you
have known for such a short time.
51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the
messages.
57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
61. You almost forget how to drive.
62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo
down.
66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
67. You never realized how cool you can be.
68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever
before.
71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls,
activities, work, parties...
75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for
those pesky classes.
78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually
not).
79. Procrastination becomes an art.
80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see #
12).
81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're
on intellectual welfare.
84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
87. Classes: the later the better.
88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
92. You just don't learn last names.
93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high
school Physics class.
95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97. Boys will dance in college.
98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when
you come home.
99. You are never alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling
asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the
cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc.
to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in
them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of
them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.