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A lesson about blood flow and
circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
Looking back on photos
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it
will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer;
she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher;
she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
Picking on a tardy student
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of
his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended
he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture.
Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor
asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the
professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
Tip the pizza delivery boy
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson.
He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked:
"What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say
if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted
Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Freshmen versus seniors
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation
class.
Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop
tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the
unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's
horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
Physics disclaimers
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch
the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is
especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of
suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale
in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the
Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for
the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is
and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that
Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process
Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present
Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your
Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or
Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Suggested Versions of the Grand
Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to
Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999%
Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is
Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to
Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into
Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not
Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a
Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.)
Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as
Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary
May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass,
and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should
Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That
Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
Tips to improve your writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell
me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition
is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek
viable alternatives.
Actual misphrased excerpts from
student science exam papers
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation
and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more
convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then
kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west
poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in
wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Fun things to do on the first
day of class
This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do
any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of
class.
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead
projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go
if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no,
rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh,
no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
The technical geek test
Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take
the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the
items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you
are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone!
Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white
pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper
dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had
V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel
compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours,
and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really
should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand
coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you
correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your
machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct
her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed,
then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else
clause.
199 ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise
that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the
computer has been recently.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your
seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work
up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than
meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,
"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.
16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you
are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible
when you talk.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend
nothing happened.
22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.
23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.
26. Write your roommate's name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave
pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn't write it.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get
hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate
empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know
better than you.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Leave a marble in your roommate's bed every day.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce
that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to
discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja
ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your
dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta
save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horse radish in your roommate's shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that
you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. While you're roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to
him using his name.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least
6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for
your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.
53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin
discussing your roommate with yourself.
54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your
roommate frequently.
55. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday--every day.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.
58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you
bust.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're
holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your
cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
63. Follow him/her around on weekends.
64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important
but you can't remember who it was.
70. Let mice loose in his/her room.
71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust
your ceiling.
72. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
73. Skip to the bathroom.
74. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for
an entire weekend.
75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her
room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.
76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.
77. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes
than call whoever it was back.
78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
79. Burn incense.
80. Eat moths.
81. Collect Chia-Pets.
82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
83. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
86. Don't ever flush the toilet.
87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding
your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the
wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as
you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at
your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
90. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your
roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh,
it looks like, they, were here again."
91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake
up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain
that you've been having terrible nightmares.
92. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're
going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack
everything and go to sleep.
94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the
room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you
don't know what he/she is talking about.
95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it
and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
96. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the
napkin. Throw everything else away.
97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to
argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm
out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot.
Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out.
Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs,
yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
101. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of
the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how
they got there.
103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and
visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day,
miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving
everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you
dying?"
105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back
into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your
roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here, somewhere."
107. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend
to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later
on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for
several weeks.
108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building.
Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she
needs bowling shoes.
109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
110. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich.
Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my
sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
111. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after
your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days,
and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He
just didn't belong."
113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and
then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue
this process for several weeks.
114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you
food and water.
115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a
few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and
whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you
were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
117. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bullseye.
118. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him
"Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do
that anymore, Murray."
119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how
much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room
with concern.
121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream,
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed.
Sob and sniff all night.
122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming
angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom.
She said she'd call back."
123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go
to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come
out now."
124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it
off, say, "What do you think you are? A king?"
125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.
Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
126. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the
bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to
watch them suffer."
127. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says
the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the
secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud
music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats,
put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides
your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing
was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue
acting like a monkey.
130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that
he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood
donor, peer tutoring).
132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you
are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses
you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended
your people and put a curse on your roommate.
133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that
your feet hurt.
134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light
bulbs.
135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the
videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it.
Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report
that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take
notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate
protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that
looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
"Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.
140. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing.
Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate
if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the
watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about
your roommate at the funeral.
142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't
worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately
change the subject.
143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug
for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug
away, and quickly leave the room.
144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your
head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid
road runner...."
145. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you
did," and "Don't think you can fool me."
146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests,
tell him/her that it's all for charity.
147. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have
a conversation.
148. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the
plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate
walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants.
Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.
150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate
through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your
roommate is too far away for you to see.
151. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.
152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and
pout.
153. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and
making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just
couldn't take it anymore.
154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to
let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance
of good manners.
155. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good
luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see
your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your
head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern
has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate
that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move
out.
157. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous
operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around
and pretend to be confused.
158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a
month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking
steroids.
159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love
lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about
how much you hate lemonade.
160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old
days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an
hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat
peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't
what they used to be."
163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be
an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side
of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on
one side of the room.
164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate
that the lobster is making up his own rules.
165. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and
toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your
roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient
community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has
been taking bribes.
166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up
little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted
him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to
apologize to the camel.
167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for
the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is
asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the
cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know
what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the
Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name
it. Sleep in it.
169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming,
"Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
170. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
171. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her
for not listening to you.
172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a
headache.
174. Constantly slip and fall--on your carpet.
175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
176. Invite the school President to sleepover.
177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate
commets, pretend not to hear anything.
179. Walk into walls.
180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at
them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching
you."
183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into
Gumby.
184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots
taking over the world.
185. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it
rots.
186. Wear a silly hat.
187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
188. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position
every night.
189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that youղe afraid
of aliens.
190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you
intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
192. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are
asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantalope and a knife. Stick the knife in
the cantalope. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day
clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing
your face and hands, etc.
195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes
after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don't know what he's
talking about.
198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks
or recipes.
199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive
into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held
captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.