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Impossible final exams
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper,
recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if
this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750.
Prove your thesis.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab
table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your
desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes
instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample
of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct
answer.)
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills.
With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will
wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of
nitric acid.
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this
language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the
possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist
Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these
effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last
question.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a
partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered
with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the
reactor melts down.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on
your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10
minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your
stand.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and
compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis
in Europe during the 1800s.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been
inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test
your hypothesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum.
You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional
stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the
following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your
evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references.
It is not necessary to translate.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of
the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World
War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm
them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of
the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
World history in a student's
eyes
Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a
Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were
cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is
unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before
us, ready for dissection.
After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants
appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to
town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.
Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody
killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining
and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by
Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the
Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls
arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social
disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other
etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of
the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life
reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world
thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his
brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on
a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art
bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost
lifelike.
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were
going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions
had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for
ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin
Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into
reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the
days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of
course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms.
The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could
gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe
which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India
thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the
French for years and years.
Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he
didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their
lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century
was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes
only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental
people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests
became government antennae.
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that
got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet,
and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with
defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the
state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The
revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted
into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained.
History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.
Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European
continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification.
Industrialisation was precipitating in England.
Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1
million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
Great Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings.
The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid
holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were
universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the
new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided
Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism
succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the
French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but
great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of
reality.
Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent
but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays.
Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality.
Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he
died they labeled his seat "historical". Other countries had their own artists.
France had Chekhov.
World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and
Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people
any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by
George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14
pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and
the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.
Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly
over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms
of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose.
Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by government groups.
Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested
his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded
Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to
an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation
had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to
pick up the peaces.
According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was
a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence
experiences its life development. The last stage is us.
New scientific dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup
of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first
proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern
computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation
have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs
depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month
of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates
the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation
fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the
banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the
period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee
in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to
go all the way to the company cafeteria.
Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.
CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern system of training
professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of
laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated
research.
Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear
thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the
name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.
Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) an
analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a
straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix; 5) a chemical engineer turns
into a profit.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist
only does for fun.
Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of
submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in
non-reproducing blue ink.
Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and
TOXICOLOGY)
Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two
or more elements.
Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition
of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is
released.
Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.
En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years,
efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were
unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram.
The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can
drink in a year's time.
Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
until they drop from exhaustion.
First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.
Flame Test: Trial by fire.
Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been
doing informally all along.
Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never
in real life.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and
physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so
named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes
through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the
gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.
Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when
they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit
for making it with great ease.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into
publications.
Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor
from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.
Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional
academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital
computer.
Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL
TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the
universe.
Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are
built into a costly, full-scale production facility.
Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual
practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods
are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion,
neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.
Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape
juice and lab alcohol.
Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay
frequently to the ground state.
Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on
its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything
everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only
for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed
to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do
for the money, he does to hog all the glory.
Sagan: The international unit of humility.
Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved,
only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.
SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".
Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.
Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to
probe and examine the spectrum.
Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that
purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by
reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is
readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are
just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.
Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of
Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film
personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to
fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane
Powell's father.
A new professor's diary
Jan 3rd, 1995
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have
prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the
uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and
pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I
shall become an academic!
Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and
egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a
pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some
incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow
academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:
They: Do you know what you're doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!
I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.
Jan 5th, 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily,
watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night
turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the
passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.
Jan 6th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.
Jan 7th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.
Jan 8th, 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.
Jan 9th, 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved
holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month
sebattical.
Jan 12th, 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation
of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted
myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of
hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South
America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their
physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about
the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received
Jan 13th, 1995
A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of
my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course
with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure
the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.
Jan 14th, 1995
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in
wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students
appreciated the humourous content.
Jan 16th, 1995
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of
my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.
Jul 17th, 1995
Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in
lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some
homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.
Jul 18th, 1995
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I
asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He
screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that
no-one was attending my courses.
Jul 21st, 1995
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants
are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher
attendance policy, are openly weeping.
Jul 24th, 1995
I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical, which I decide
to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I
return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition
of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a
copy.
Oct 24th, 1995
Exam day.
Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different
values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work
out the answers and mark the exams.
Oct 27th, 1995
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed
the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid
sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day
of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.
The homework schedule
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average
student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time
should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve
moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the
assignment.
MIT course evaluation results
These are actual student evaulation comments taken from an MIT course
evaluation guide in the fall semester of 1991.
"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread
it."
"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt
all term."
"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to
tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was,
and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents
good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't
hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a
cool nest in the tree."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked
in."
"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking and
it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all
directions -- no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that
I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."
"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'"
A lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages,
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there
is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A bribe for your professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed
out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over,
the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the
students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got
back his test and $56 change.