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Why must we learn this?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn
this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save
lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the
professor.
A student's request for extra
money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked
her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your
economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that
up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad
goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she
gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped
the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere
between the pages in chapter 15!"
Writing home with ease
Dear Parent(s), Date:
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest
to both of us.
Please send me:
__ Money (Cash) Amount: _____
__ Food (Cookies) Dozens: _____
__ Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself.
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged.
__ I got married last weekend.
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on.
__ Gave me a black eye.
__ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me.
__ Has fleas.
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers.
__ Mental institution escapees.
__ Brain dead nerds.
__ Super oxygen thieves.
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car.
__ I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit.
__ You are going to have a grandchild.
__ False alarm--you aren't going to have a grandchild.
Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals.
__ I stopped eating out of fear.
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
__ I never knew they had a letter grade below F
I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ Eighty hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses.
__ My paper that was due yesterday.
__ The clothes you washed for me.
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment.
__ Other ____________________________.
Please send above items by FedEx (Priority One) or UPS (Blue).
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _______.
__ I am saving money by not using detergent.
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester.
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains.
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test.
__ Is only ___% full.
__ Could not be located last Saturday night.
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training.
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning.
Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,
Two students miss a final exam
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years
by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all
the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a
solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they
decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness,
they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the
final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up
to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in
time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare.
They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following
day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next
day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and
solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an
easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
You might be a college student
if . . .
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a
college student.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic
Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one
trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes
terrible.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you
have
25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to
class
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women
(whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
37. If you get more e-mail than mail.
The prayer said before finals
Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Won't Go Nutty.
If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord
I Will Not Flunk.
But If I Do,
Don't Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.
Tell My Prof
I Did My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.
Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
Tomorrow's Test.
If I Should Die Before I Wake,
That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.
I will do anything to pass
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down
the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her
hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would
do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
The universal grade change form
To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the
following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your
exam for me.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the
material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general
principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my
allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted
that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper)
for this course.
__19. Other reason: __________________.
History paper research on the
Internet
Man: "How's your history paper coming?"
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for
research, and it's been very helpful.
Man: "Really?"
Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
Do you know who I am?
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at
the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed
out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his
desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half
of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for
an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After
two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and
handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour
later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm
in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams,
stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
A parent's terrors of life
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are
not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three
headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire
Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite
me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind
of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are
planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be
before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same
love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for
the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it
from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking
daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race
and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be
bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure
you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that
his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he
comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the
hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there
is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in
Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Dorothy