HOME
Great School Humor
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
set, I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
1890-1977
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
"He was a dark and stormy knight...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says
"Chew, Chew ".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is
that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."
Newest Discovery
By R. J. Heathorn (* PUNCH, May 9, 1962)
A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance.
Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much
junk.
The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers
generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on
which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit
to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made
entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.
Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It
can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK
consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where
BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in
sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they
are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form
of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain.
When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and
further information is found on the other side.
By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus
reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move
from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is
ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn
at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is
provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information
sequence.
A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This
enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous
learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.
The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range
of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to
different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands,
may contain an entire learning schedule.
Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are
needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the
makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme
schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great
advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boss' response:
BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no
drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:
"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper,
it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow
its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the
user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.
"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the
wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed
to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly misuse; any
user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might
correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose
the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet,
going backwards or forwards as he pleases." and "BOOKs may be stored on handy
shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work
before such a system can be practical.
"the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the
inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even
expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.
I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative
search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.
Philosophy Exam
(True story)
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" -
Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
Kids' Perspective
Kids' Views on School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time,"
she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What
did you do at school today?"
The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".
Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well,
did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular
color?"
The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to
school when you were a little boy?"
Student Proverbs
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with
the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you..........mess it up.
Better be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but.......................how?
Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a...................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.........................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the...........................pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's......................pollution.
Happy the bride who...................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...................................not much.
Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and..........................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind.........get out of the way.
Math Problems
Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the
following list to the clerk:
10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each
"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the
boy.
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be
irritated by all the questions.
Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the
items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with
it."
College Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway
Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
Geography Class
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole
to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
Public Speaking
Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on
account of his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I
have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech...he can do it with a short
one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You've been a wonderful audience...you stayed.
College Prayers
O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
Discussing Grades
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."
"What do you mean `all wet?'"
"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
Sweep the Floor
Your first job will be to sweep the floor.
But I'm a college student the young man replied.
In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.