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Chem one-liners 02
Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through the
data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to discuss the
following words: 1) mole 2) unionized. As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts
talking about furry animals and organized labor, keep walking."
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
Definition: (Fe)male: Male with iron added, for greater strength, ductility, and
magnetisim.
Acid is base.
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom, recalcitrantly.
Chem one-liners 03
Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about
helium and just couldn't put it down?
What's the formula for water? -H-two-O What's the formula for an ice cube?
-H-two-O-CUBED
Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron
The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.
Their idea of a catalyst:
2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar
Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.
Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because it's polar.
Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his
factory?
His business went insolvent.
Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.
Chem one-liners 04
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits!
Q: How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocado's number.
Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical
Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world.
"Take plenty of the dark purple solution", Tom offered, managnimously.
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
The alcohol trouble
During grammar school science experiements into properties of
different alcohols:
The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in
threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single
box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to
retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was
16.
During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from
the teacher's bunsen. For safety's sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into
the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in
the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks
I, I wonder where that's going?
I opened the cupboard 'neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of
alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, "Er, Sir..."
just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks.
Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the
box only sagged slightly!
Chemistry is boring
IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years --
chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of
Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest
lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR --
"head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR
dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to
remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic
words: "And in conclusion . . ."
Question is too easy
ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights,
Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder
spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in
order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased
with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our
teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a
dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit.
-- Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Joe Astorino ? 1996 The Reader's
Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.
Nail in experiment
DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield,
Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist.
Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a
simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and
then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The girl sitting next to
me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a
press-on?"
-- Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Carolyn Stickney ? 1996 The Reader's
Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.
Very dangerous mix
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A
female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and
decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye
and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to
do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before
adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
Fight against CO2
Isn't it time we required universal Federal licensing for use of Alka
Seltzer, Fizzies, and Pop Rocks? Background verification, two week cooling off
period, fingerprinting, mandatory fizz locks. No gas release in excess of one
liter. No automatic unloading - no motorized or wind-up Pez dispensors!
CO2 kills! Suffocation! GREENHOUSE EFFECT! Save our children!
Minorities are put at risk! I want a National War on CO2! We already know how
Belgium was decimated by Coke-a-Cola. Can we afford to risk American lives so
the small cliques of fantatics and zealots can exercise their bubbling
pornographic appetites? How many children must die before we act!
Burning the flag releases CO2, Hitler's crematoria released CO2, firebombing
Dresden released CO2, nuking Hiroshima released CO2 - how much clearer must it
be made?
And what about NO2? SO2? ClO2? Are we about to discriminate on the basis of
Period Table group number? Renumbering the groups ws not enough. Renumbering the
groups will NEVER be enough! I say, "NEVER!" Every elemental group must realize
its full electrochemical potential and oxidation state, and all its lesser
oxidation states as well - with equal representation!
Today it is baking soda and vinegar. Tomorrow it will be sodium hydroxide and
concentrated sulfuric acid. By the end of the week butyllithium/TMEDA will be
poured into Magic Acid by the pound! By the ton! WHERE WILL IT STOP!
Exotherms, global warming, penguins sweated to death... all because some MONSTER
wanted a little fizz. Isn't that the way it always starts, with a "little" CO2
in a Bierstube in Munich? Computer models and their renormalized data are
unequivocal: 44.0104!
Mommy, daddy, does your child breathe CO2?
Put an end to the CO2 nightmare before it's too late!
Good to be chemist
REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST
- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses
. - Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my results?"
- Because it's pHun :)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night (You're
working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way
Chemist's last words
The last words of a chemist:
1. And now the tasting test.
2. May that become hot?
3. And now a little bit from this...
4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunsen burner *is* out!
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
11. Oh, now I have spilt something...
12. First the acid, then the water...
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely save experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O no, wrong beaker...
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away...
19. And now keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...
20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
22. Something is wrong here...
23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette...
A man and his wife
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a
moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my
burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the
outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His
girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With
that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the
reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
Play on the words
"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"
"I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the
time."
"My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."
"I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really
made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like
you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among
the population."
"What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"
The day of the final
It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at
least one right answer on the chemistry test.
The question was "If h20 if water, what is h204?"
This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.
Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.
Thrown out of the lab
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the
sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny
to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the
way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the
sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in
federal buildings.
The Cesium song 01
Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasma's fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
---Songs of Cesium #34
The Cesium song 02
I Wish I had a Pound
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
I would take it in the shower,
And I'd glory in its power.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
---Songs of Cesium #111
The Cesium song 03
Cesium
Cesium, 'tis of thee,
Thy 'positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.
---Songs of Cesium #65
The Cesium song 04
Cesium the Beautiful
Oh beautiful for blue of skies,
Among thy spectral lines.
When cast upon the waters clear,
Thy splendid fire shines.
Oh Cesium,
Oh Cesium,
Our days we trust to thee.
Thy faultless rhyme,
In keeping time,
From care doth set us free.
---Songs of Cesium #68
The Cesium song 05
Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
(Tune, Blackbird)
Cesium burning in the dead of night.
Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
All my life,
I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.
Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
All your life,
You were only waiting for some water to arise.
Cesium burn.
Cesium burn.
Give your light to this coal black night.
--- Songs of Cesium #133
The Cesium song 06
Why Don't We Mix Up the Two
(Tune, "Why don't we get drunk..."
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)
I've got a pound of Cesium,
It's burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But it's noise I want to hear.
So darlin' bring some water,
A couple pints'll do.
And why don't we mix up the two?
Why don't we mix up the two?
'Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say I've got a death wish,
But honey, I'm just blue.
So why don't we mix up the two?
---Songs of Cesium #29
The Cesium song 07
Yesterday,
I had Cesium with which to play.
Now all my fingers have been blown away.
And silence reigns since yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm just half the man I used to be.
I have no eyes with which to see.
My legs have parted company.
Why she had to blow,
I don't know,
I can only say.
Something went awful wrong,
In the waterbed where we lay.
Yesterday,
Her sky blue path seemed such an easy way.
Now I know there is a price to pay.
Oh, I believed just yesterday.
---Songs of Cesium #117
The Cesium song 08
'Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)
'Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.
How d'ya stand the smokin'?
How d'ya 'bide the flame?
Do you think that life's just
A burnin' game.
Monday night your hunger's a blue fire,
Tuesday morn' you're cookin' 'fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, you're only flamin' higher,
Having your fun.
'Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.
Likin' the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?
---Songs of Cesium #47