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Chemistry song 07
Quantum Chemistry
On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum
Chemistry.
On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a double integral and
an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a double
integral, and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: four harmonic
oscillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: Five Hermitian
Operators! Four harmonic ocillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: six spin-orbit
couplings, etc.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: seven basis functions,
etc.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eight time dependent
perturbations, etc.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: nine Slater
determinants, etc.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: ten electrons tunneling,
etc.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eleven photons
emitting, etc.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: 12 fermions
exchanging, etc.
Chemistry song 08
Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.
Chemistry song 09
O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")
Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.
Chemistry song 10
We Wish You a Happy Halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.
Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.
Chemistry song 11
Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin'
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Chemistry song 12
I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.
Chemistry song 13
O Come All Ye Gases
O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.
O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.
Chemistry song 14
We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.
O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.
Chemistry song 15
Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")
There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
the most famous element of all?
Iron the red atom molecule
had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
you'll go down in Chemistry!
Chemistry song 16
Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
Chemistry song 17
Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
soon it will be chemistry day.
Take your nitrate, in solution
Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
now the data procesing begins.
Get the mass, change to moles
what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
we're glad it's Chemistry Day.
Scientific Dictionary
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first
proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern
computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation
have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs
depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month
of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates
the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation
fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the
banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the
period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee
in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to
go all the way to the company cafeteria.
Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.
CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern system of training
professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of
laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated
research.
Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear
thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the
name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.
Chemical: A substance that:
1. An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
2. an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
3. a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
4. a biochemist turns into a helix;
5. a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist
only does for fun.
Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of
submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in
non-reproducing blue ink.
Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and
TOXICOLOGY)
Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two
or more elements.
Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition
of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is
released.
Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.
En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years,
efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were
unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram.
The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can
drink in a year's time.
Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
until they drop from exhaustion.
First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.
Flame Test: Trial by fire. Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize
what engineers have been doing informally all along.
Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never
in real life.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and
physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so
named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes
through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the
gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.
Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when
they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit
for making it with great ease.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into
publications.
Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor
from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.
Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional
academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital
computer.
Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL
TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the
universe.
Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are
built into a costly, full-scale production facility.
Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual
practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods
are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion,
neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.
Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape
juice and lab alcohol.
Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay
frequently to the ground state.
Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on
its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything
everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only
for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed
to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do
for the money, he does to hog all the glory.
Sagan: The international unit of humility.
Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved,
only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.
SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".
Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.
Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to
probe and examine the spectrum.
Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that
purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by
reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is
readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are
just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.
Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of
Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film
personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to
fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane
Powell's father.
Dihydrogen monoxide
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental
inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of
DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a
bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who
have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile
brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake,
and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant
has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused
millions of dollars of property damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to
stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is
extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use
of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this
nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting
experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and
utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution
network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous
chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.