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Gorilla Golf
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little
wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500.00 here that
says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this
club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!"
Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the
club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said.
"You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to
the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did
the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight.
When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train
him to hit the ball like that!" There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't
beat him with a stick. Here's your money."
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the
trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"
The trainer responded,"Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle.
Every time."
Instant-Win Airbags!
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market
down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag
contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent,
high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next
fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or
a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is
already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh,
boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin
Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were
driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the
car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could
think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!"
Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac
LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident. "It's really
addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her
hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain
hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying
to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to
win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac
Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag
contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks,
and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and,
sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a
new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who
wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that
prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest
rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1
in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car
accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of
winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will
inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,"
said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was
the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really
gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of
his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just
wrong."
You Might Be A Redneck...
You might be a redneck if you think all-star wrestling should be an Olympic
sport!
The Truth About Baseball
Why did the professional baseball player cross the road?
Because his gigantic ass commanded him to.
Lucky Aggie Hijinx
A lucky Aggie once won the lottery for $20,000,000 and went to pick up all of
his money. But when he got there, the guy who was in charge of the money said
that the money would be paid out over twenty years. So the Aggie got pissed off
and says:
"If you're not going to give me all my money, I want my dollar back."
Tenessee Football Player
How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Skydiving
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.
Yo mama's So Short
Yo' mama so short, she plays racquetball with the curb!
Tiger Woods and Princess Di
What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Diana didn't?
A good driver.
Sumo Kamikaze
Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit
suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
Tyson-Holyfield III
Promo:
Yes, folks it was a bite to the finish. The next fight will be on Pay Per Chew:
Iron Mike Tyson versus Evander “The Real Meal” Holyfield.
SuperBowl!
What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?
The Dallas Cowboys
Jesus wants to be Arnold Palmer
Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about to hit a shot and said, "Hey
Moses, watch this! Just like Arnold Palmer!"
Moses said, "Jesus, you can do anything, don't try to be like Arnold Palmer."
Jesus said, "No, just like Arnold Palmer!"
Well, Jesus hit the ball in the water so Jesus asked Moses to retrieve the ball.
Moses parted the water and got the ball. This continued for about 15 minutes.
Finally, Jesus hit the ball in the water for the 7th time. "Please get my ball
for me," Jesus asked Moses.
Moses said, "No, I told you to quit trying to be like Arnold Palmer, so I'm not
getting it this time."
So Jesus walked across the water, reached down and got his ball. While he was
doing this, a couple of kids rode by in a cart and said, "Who does he think he
is? Jesus?"
Moses said, "NO! He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"
The Three Basketball Players On
The Roof
There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue,
standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis. The fire department came with a
blanket and yelled to the Notre Dame player to jump. He jumped and they moved it
to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat.
They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They
said they liked IU better than Norte Dame. So he jumped and the fire department
moved the blanket to the left. The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk.
Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump.
The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back, "Lay the
blanket down on the sidewalk, and then I'll jump!"
He Has Four Balls
A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each
other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When
they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American
pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to
the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man
bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate
and got walked. The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls
the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second
man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then the
third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and
he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands
there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls
the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place
where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”
Politics and Golf
Q: What golfing what foursome do you never want to be behind?
A: Monica Lewinsky because she's a hooker; O.J. Simpson, since he's a slicer;
Ted Kennedy -- he can't drive over water; and Bill Clinton, because he'll go for
any hole.
Oh, God, No
Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.
"I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out
of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke.
"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked
across the water, got his Coke, and came back.
"You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the
boat and sinks like a rock.
"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the
rocks are?"
Backstroke Dolly
What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
Islands In The Stream.
National Pastime
Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a
man who never played doctor when he was a kid!
UVA vs. VT Football
If you have a Virginia Tech football player and a UVA Foootball player in the
same car at the same time, who drives?
The state trooper!!"
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