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The NFL team names
NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually
assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a
collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots - New England Patsys
New York Jets - New York Pets
New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants - New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
Top NFL Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start
shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last
remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is
meaningless.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin'
CLEVELAND!!!
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white
week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
Olympic city bribery
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting,
diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or
Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a
hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term
"New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all
I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation
speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white
shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
Do at a bowling alley
Things to do at a Bowling Alley
Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until
forcefully thrown out.
When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a
Black Panther conspiracy.
Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then
loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
Wear Golf Shoes.
Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology
used in bowling.
Play bocci with extra lane balls
Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about
Platetechtonics again
Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head
and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain
about how your hook is off.
Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane
except yours.
Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away
mumbling "how bad things happen"
Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
Rent all the shoes, eat them
Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame
platetechtonics
Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins
of bowling
Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you
are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise
it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a
Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit
back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.
The baseball demands
Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for
some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
No team flights on Continental Airlines.
Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
Make it legal to cork their pants.
Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live
reports tonight from Calvert]
Two words: Streisand tickets.
Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
More games against the Mets.
New rules for bowling
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the
ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on
the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke
the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a
chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl
the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces
will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another
member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4
frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After
all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins,
by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the
conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall
be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial
at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the
city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short
eulogy.
Snowboarding Lessons
When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says:
"Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on
new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy
carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice,
and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the
Budweiser Clydesdales.
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250
Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not
participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an
activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is
lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent
synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and
knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go,
"Cool."
People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be
good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method,
in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in
which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without
actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone
of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the
slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a
statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still
be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from
skiing.
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you
can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that
you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a
giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery
Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you
start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the
ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray
snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am
generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders
are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough
to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the
slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain,
slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts,
leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named
Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while
attached only to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice
who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an
18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that
you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to
stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five
important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police
would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the
concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person
is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything.
I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity
Chunks!"
Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising
happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier.
I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while
space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now
realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies
of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll
see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
Black belt degrees
Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have
already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as
they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom
Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a
dangerous body slam without injury.
Crossing Fingers
A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
Gift of Instruction
The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a
technique correctly.
Seeing Without Seeing
The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on
their knees in seiza.
Mugger's Defense
Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
Sensei's Downfall
Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.
Further requirements:
Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose
their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between
the movement of the lips and the voice).
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot
or something).
Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a
pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
Must be able to sing Karaoke.
Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy,
throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or
less.
Note:
Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the
Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be
an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this
time, but in no other instance.
Watch real baseball
Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
They keep shouting "Do over!"
When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking
French.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
They play like the Mets
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