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Murphy's nartial laws
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn
into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be
sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be
a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle
the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker
right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you
will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
Short Cowboy jokes
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out
the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new
defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
Normal car is better
Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car
"Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car,
but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those
guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"
No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and
steal it. Pffft!
No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements.
Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to
drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen
to.
No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become
very cold after a while.
No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff)
over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with
the other.
No ashtrays and electric lighter...
No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
Only one brake light...
Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive
in?
No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety
comes first?
No trunk...
No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
High fuel consumption...
Engines that don't last...
Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the
cars had to be crank started.
No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk
about accidents waiting to happen.
Destroy an opponent
The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
Tonya Harding Presents...
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Question answer 01
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of
the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake
them off at the station!"
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Question answer 02
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!
Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week
diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!
What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!
Question answer 03
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a
week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
Question answer 04
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a
game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!
Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!
What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
Question answer 05
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an
award.
It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
Question answer 06
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!
Question answer 07
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!
How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!
What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!
What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
Question answer 08
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
Play as James Bond
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro
baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of
tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
Why the bad plays?
A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad
play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
Who is on First?
Who's On First
(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name
on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to
know those fellows?
BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players
nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St.
Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the
fellows on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third
--
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
BUD: Yes
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly.
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How could I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?
BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: THIRD BASE!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
BUD: Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because.
BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm tell you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --
LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!
LOU: You gotta Catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The Catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.
BUD: Well I can't help that.
LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on
the team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw
the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: is to throw it to first base.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said.
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's what I'm saying.
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited.
LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--
BUD: Then Who gets it.
LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the
guy runs to second.
BUD: Uh-huh.
LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't
know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know,
he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
BUD: What did you say.
LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
LOU: ABBOTT!
You really do stink
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were
now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official
called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew
his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were
wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you
missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him
tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball,
paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming
quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
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