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Yo Mama's So Dumb
Yo mama's so dumb, she thought masturbation was a karate teacher.
You're So Stupid
You're so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo Mama's So Stupid... Dunkin'
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Dunkin' Donuts" was a basketball team.
How Golf is like Urinating in a
Public Restroom
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
Priestly Duties
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his
boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going
to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone
he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first
swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary
Clinton...
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game
began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I
think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
Deep In The Fourth Quarter
Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he
has to take a dump. ''Well, go in the bushes.''
''What should I use to wipe my ass?''
''Use a dollar bill.''
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his
hands.
''What happened?'' asks his friend.
''I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters.''
Things In Football That Sound
Dirty -- But Aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
Confucious...Baseball
Confucious say: ''Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."
Blonde in a Swimming Race
A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the
English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the
blonde never finished.
When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale
or anything, but the other two used their arms.''
Diver Meets Guy Underwater
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The
diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote,
"Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'm drowning, you moron!"
Disabled Swimming Race
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms the second
no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The
guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing
fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see
bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive
down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface
and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing
and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've
spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the
whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"
Cold Day in Hell
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound
sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find
him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and
hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.
At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found
him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt
like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on
his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a
40 mph wind.
At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man
miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the
sledge hammer like a baton.
When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in
hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"
A Scottish tourist at his first
baseball game...
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base
hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and
roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a
walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly
fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to
run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk
with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
Subway Series School
On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?"
Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their
hands, except for one girl, Rosie.
The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "I'm a Yankees
fan and I hate the Mets."
The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so
she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosie's parents were idiots,
what would that make her?"
Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"
Yankee Fans' Commute
Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red
Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one
ticket between the two of them.
Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and
lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the
ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door
and off he goes.
On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and
purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two
Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize
there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking
themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go.
A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and
knocks on the door.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Star Spangled
You might be a redneck if you think the last words of the ''Star Spangled
Banner'' are ''Gentlemen! Start your engines!''
Passing Football
A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked
him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.
The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy
replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.
The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast.
He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can
swallow it, I can surely pass it!"
Top 15: Why Hockey is Better
than Sex
It's legal to earn money playing hockey
Many people play hockey even after they're married
The puck's always hard
The protective equipment is reusable
It lasts at least an hour
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon
You always know how big the stick is
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding
You can change players on the fly
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds
Your parents cheer when you score
Periods last only 20 minutes
You're sure to get it at least twice a week
You can tell your friends about it afterwards
Aggie Accident
There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie
brought back a big buck.
''How did you get that?'' they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I shot a buck.'' Then the
longhorn brought back an elephant.
''How did you get that?" they all asked.
''I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I shot an elephant.''
Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
"What happened?" they all asked.
"I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and ''boom'' I got hit by a train."
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