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Atlanta Man in New York
A man from Atlanta moved to New York.
As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in.
On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag
on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00".
The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.
"Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its
story".
"I'll just take the cat," said the man.
"Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman.
The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.
As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around
he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.
The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the
Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him.
"Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All
the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.
The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.
"I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman.
"Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"
Ice Hole
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see
who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear
that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish.
Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the
brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running
back.
"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are
permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are
currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners
have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on
what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around
the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the
hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a
quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.
You mama's so stupid... tripped
Your mama's so stupid she tripped over a line on a basketball court.
Field Trip to the Racetrack
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry.
During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the
boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice,
the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits,
one by one.
As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. but thanks for
the lift anyhow."
Handicap Golf
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I
am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you
CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't
believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that!
Shame on you!"
The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and
then walked off to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a
golf ball that knocked him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute
sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four
fingers.
Bobby Knight Goes to Heaven
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was
showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in
the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch,
he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion
with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue
flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.
Bobby looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a
question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to
the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Bobby, that's not Gene Keady's house, it's mine!"
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows
his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks
up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was
married to her for 40 years."
Sports and Virility
One sportsman goes up to a non-athletic man and says, "If you aren't into
sports, then you are gay."
The non-athletic man responds, "Okay, riddle me this, riddle me that, if you're
into sports, then you are into slapping each others asses?"
Fishing Riddle
On a sunny day, two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each one of them caught
one fish. When they went home, there were only three fishes, why?
Because a grandfather, a father and a son went fishing.
College Entrance Exam: For
Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the
first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu
(d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the
1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners
(C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the
Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
Philadelphia Eagles Schedule
September
15 Gov. Mifflin Jr. High
22 Cub Scout Troop 101
29 PA Blind Academy
October
6 Spanish American War Vets
13 Cripple Children's Home
20 Wernersville State Hospital
27 Girl Scout Troop 353
November
3 PA VD Clinic Post #3
10 Philadelphia Boy's Choir
17 Korean Amputees
Special Monday Night Game
December
9 Utopia Gay Boys
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
1. When playing the polio patients, Eagles must not disconnect leg braces.
2. When playing the blind academy, Eagles must not hide the football under their
jerseys.
RULES THE SAME AS LAST YEAR
1. A touchdown(this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you
Eagle fans that have never seen one) is still worth 6 points.
2. The Eagles will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3. The Eagles will be allowed to substitute with the band members at any time
during the course of the game.
4. The Eagles will be allowed 10 time-outs as opposed to 3 for the other team.
5. The Eagles will be awarded a first down for each gain of 3 yards or more.
Football Fan To The Rescue
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid
rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence,
wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his
notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do
you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck
Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Good Sport
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you
don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."
A New Set Of Golf Clubs
''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!''
''Great trade!''
Yo mama's so skinny... baseball
Yo mama's so skinny, she used a needle for a baseball bat
Mr. Macho
A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding,
laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on
the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''
His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be
sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.''
Jags and Bucs
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Duuuuh Dumb Jock
He's such a dumb jock, that when he was driving to the airport, he saw a sign
that read, "Airport Left," and he turned around and went home.
Fishing for a Week
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come
up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a
lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment,
and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
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