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The Top 6 Ways a Football is
Like a Blonde
6. Both are made out of plastic.
5. Both are full of hot air.
4. Both are frequently passed from man to man.
3. Both have been known to score.
2. Both are often handled by hot, sweaty guys on television.
1. Women aren't especially fond of them.
Ford Cars -vs- Golf Balls
What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
OSU
An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where
a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the
procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled
it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it
out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the
guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original
resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you
must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this
astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so
he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork
in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard
thousands of assholes sing that song!"
Yo Mama's So Short... Run
Yo mama is so short, that she can run track around the toilet!
Hooked On Dem Jets
How are the New York Jets defense and yo mama alike?
You give them a quarter and they'll let you score!
You're So Short
You're so short, you could play racquetball on the curb.
Hack Golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm
going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head
down that long."
Yeah, That Would Happen
There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the
deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater. He decides to
go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man
thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet.
There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to
forget about it and go down another 20 feet. When he does, he sees the same guy
60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this
guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear. The guy writes back,
''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''
Tennis Balls
One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the
road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful
blonde standing next to him and smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow
and the pain was unbearable."
Too Much Wrestling
* You wonder why singers Sting, Wolf Blitzer, and Bryan Adams stole wrestlers'
names
* You only come out of your room if your theme music is playing
* When your boss is pissing you off you kick him and give him a stunner
* You always end a speech with, ''That's the bottom line 'cuz John said so!'' or
''If you smellllll what John is cooking!''
* Your new wardrobe consists of more multi-colored bicep tassles, tights, and
capes
* If there's one beer left you suggest it should be suspended from the ceiling
and the winner has to climb a stepladder to get it
* Whenever you see someone lying on the floor you get the urge to put him in the
sharpshooter
Tiger's Descended Testicles
Tiger Woods was traveling through rural Kentucky in his new Mercedes. He stopped
at a small gas station and asked the mechanic if he could get his oil changed.
"Why sure," the mechanic said, not seeming to recognize the golf star.
About thirty minutes later the oil change is complete. As Tiger started to back
the car out, the mechanic noticed some buttons on the dashboard and asked Tiger
what they were for.
Tiger looked down at the tees on his dash and says, "Those are what I set my
balls on."
The old man replied, "Boy oh Boy, those Germans think of everything, don't
they!"
Golf Ball Hunt
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a
wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the
ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots
something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact
an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here,
I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the
matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
49ers New Hires
Why did the 49ers hire two nuns and a prostitute?
They wanted two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Rookie Pitcher
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a
talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose
control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
The Engineer at the Golf Course
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't
they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Yo Mama's Teeth...
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiled at a NASCAR race, all the
drivers stopped because they thought it was a caution sign.
Peopling The Earth
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their
families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a
basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is
pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen
wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
Golfing and Skydiving Mishaps
Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes, whack!..."damn!"
And a skydiver goes, "damn!"... whack!
Dallas Cowboys' Texas Stadium
Did you know that they are going to change the name of the Dallas Cowboys'
Stadium?
It's going to be called Drug Emporium.
List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book
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