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Jets Fans, Beware
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says,
"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field
goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a
touchdown?"
The man replied, 'I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!'
English Rugby
The England team's training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two
hours at Twickenham.
One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look
down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end
of the field.
Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called
in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance,
unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the
officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the
substance again.
Women and Bowling
Q: Why do women choose sex over bowling?
A: Because the balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
Aggies R Dum
There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank
but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The
guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told
them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said
no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."
Time on Your Hands?
Call a bowling alley, and ask, “Do you have 10 lb. balls?”
When the attendent says yes, ask, “Then how the hell do you walk?”
Golf Ball Hunt
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his
eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight
iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight
iron!"
Mike Tyson's Computer
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
You Bet Your (Sex) Life
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex
life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but
also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth
of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Nerdz
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.
As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not
Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender
comes over to him.
''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer. As he is
sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket
protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too
long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the
guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season
now. You don't even need a license.'' The truck driver finishes his beer, gets
back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid
an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole
load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes
zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.''
Top Ten Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Texas Thug Athletes
Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving?
The cops.
Yo Mama's So Fat... Practice
Yo' mama so fat, mountain climbers climb the Himalayas for practice before
climbing her
The Coach and the Football Team
Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?
A: Because they kept losing their matches!
Yankees -vs- Red Sox
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up
except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be
a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
First-Time Golfer
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the
game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward
the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said,
after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.
English Football Joke
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
You Might Be A Redneck...Drunk
You might be a redneck if you ever got too drunk to fish!
Golf Love Poem
I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.
Throwin' The Ol' Catskin Around
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building
on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her
arms.
"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football, I can catch him"
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry,
kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline
bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six
feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has
gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back
and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Aggie Nativity
How come Texas A&M couldn't put on a nativity scene?
Because they couldnt find three wise men or a virgin!
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