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Joe D. Days
A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until
he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to
it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since Joe
DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead."
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't
find some relative to enjoy the game with.
"Oh no. I can." the guy replied. "It's just that they're all at the funeral."
A Toast
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day!
Pigskin Pro
What do you get when you cross a football player with a hooker?
An illegal procedure.
Super Bowl
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed
section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl.
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat
toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
Mermaid Fishing
These three guys are out having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they
catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a
wish. Now, one of these guys just doesn't believe it.
“OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”
“Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly — and analyzing
it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he asks the mermaid to
triple his I.Q. All of a sudden, the guy starts to spout the solutions to
mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians
since the beginning of time. The last guy is so impressed that he asks the
mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid looks at him, very concerned.
“I don't normally try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I'd
really wish you'd reconsider.”
“No way. I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don't, I won't set you
free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “you don't know what you're asking... it will change
your entire view of the universe...won't you ask for something else...10 million
dollars, anything?” But the man remains steadfast. The mermaid sighs and says,
“Done!” And he becomes a woman.
Gross Basketball
Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?
A: Because they dribble all over the court.
Women and Pool Tables
What is the difference between a woman a pool table?
On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.
David Beckham
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
The Fishing Spot
One day Bob and Bubba went fishing. They were catching a lot of fish so they
wanted to figure out how to remember this part if the lake.
Bob said, ''I know. I can spit in the water!''
But Bubba said, '' No! How will we know it's your spit?''
They thought and thought and finally Bob said, '' I know. We can draw an 'X'
right here on the side of the boat!''
But Bubba said ''No, no, Bob. That won't work! How will we know that we get the
same boat next time?''
Golf and Funerals
Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they
tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing
by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is
over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I
could do.''
Yo mama's...Fat
Yo' Mama's so fat, she won the marathon because no one could fit by her on the
street.
Drunk Musicians
The St. Louis Symphony was playing Beethoven's Ninth one night. One bass player
said to the other: ''We don't have much to do. Let's go next door for a few
drinks.'' They stayed for a while and got a little tipsy. One said to the other:
''To give us more time, I tied the pages of the music together so the conductor
will have to untie it when he gets near the end.''
They staggered back into the auditorium just in time for the finish. The next
day when someone asked their friend how the concert was they replied: ''The most
exciting part was at the end of the Ninth when the score was tied and the
bassists were loaded.''
Icy Blonde
How did the blonde die icefishing?
She got run over by the zamboni!
Blind Parachutist
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this
was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the
door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out
I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am
300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?"
he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Picabo Street Philanthropy
Did you hear that former American Olympian Picabo Street donated a large sum to
her hometown hospital's emergency center?
Her town named the centre after her: Peekaboo ICU.
Texas Sphincters
On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football."
And it was good.
Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the
standard for excellence."
With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of
silver and blue.
God said, "Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' - America's team."
Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need assholes."
So he made their fans.
Bubba and Tiny Go on Probation
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big
game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had
a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he
needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder.
“Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around
to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba,
you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” he picked up his No. 2 pencil and
started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the
shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled
‘E-I-E-I-O’.”
British Sports Humor
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
Uncle Ted's Special Skill
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his
ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe
bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had
hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."
18-legged Fly Catcher
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.
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