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English, Irish & Scottish
Football
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert,
hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat
the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
I Hit Two of My Best Balls
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He
said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
God Bless Us
There are five people on a plane that's crashing. There is the pilot, Bill
Gates, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and a big, fat lady and four parachutes.
The pilot jumps out and yells, ''God bless me!''
Bill Gates jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my bank account!''
Michael Jordan jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and my team!''
Wayne Gretzky jumps out and yells, ''God bless me and the New York Rangers!''
The big, fat lady jumps out without a parachute and yells, ''God bless me and
the people I land on!''
Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends
look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Caddy Humor
Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?
''Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?''
''Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard.''
Football Animals
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big
animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and
at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play,
the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for
no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
"Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
The 69ers
What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
There were these two old guys...
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding
pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make
a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first,
you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when
he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Redneck Anthem
You know you're a redneck if you think the last four words of the national
anthem are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines!"
Man Quiz -- Are You Trained?
As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Going into the ladies room with your mom.
In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon
the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading
the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she
thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you
want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't
want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say
that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't
want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the
rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when
she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your
three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that
Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got
there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the
first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present
you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and
poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really
sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have
him killed.
What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a homerun to win
the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
i. He is legally within the base path,
ii. Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
iii. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
fractures.
When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large
that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be
handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would
be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly
jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it
than with her.
Keep Gabby Reece Away
"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"Why?"
"They might spike 'em."
Hunters
Two hunters are out on a long day in the forest, when one of them has to take a
dump. "Go in the bushes," says the other hunter. "But what'll I use to wipe
with?" "Use a dollar bill. That's what I do." So the other hunter goes into the
bushes, and comes back with crap all over his hands. "What happened?" asks his
friend. "I didn't have a dollar bill so I used four quarters."
Redskin Trespassing
Q: How do you keep a Washington Redskin out of your yard?
A: Put in an end zone.
Yo Mama's So Stupid... Ladder
Your mama is so stupid, she took a ladder to a Giants game.
Practice
What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Skeet.
Michigan State Fans
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?
A Whine Cellar!
Blondes Doing the Wave
Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdome?
While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
Shoulda Said
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a
drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on
top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me --
who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside
of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at
the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Waterskiing with Blondie
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
Senior Golf Logic
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills
are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third
senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four
of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on
the right side of the grass!"
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