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Chicago Bears Bashing
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make
you use them.
Lamaze Class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to
go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his
hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Hot as Hell
A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he tells Satan that it won't be all
that bad, and thinks hell's all a joke. So Satan tells the demons to turn the
thermostat way up, and lock him up for three days.
After three days Satan goes to check up on him, but he says,''I live in the
Midwest and many summer weekends are hotter than this.''
So Satan tells the demons to turn the temp erature all the way up, and to leave
him in for six weeks.
So after six weeks, Satan goes to check up on him, but he says ''I grew up in
the Midwest and I can remember dryspells that were hotter and longer than
this.''
Well, this really gets to Satan, so he tells the demons to turn the temperature
all the way down, and leave him in for six months.
After six months, Satan goes to check up on him, and he is sitting there
shivering, asking,, ''What happened? Did the Cubs win the pennant?"
Clinton's Final Four Picks
What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?
Morehead State, Ball State University, Brigham Young University, and Oral
Roberts University.
Leper Hockey
Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
Bullish on Trousers
Why did the golf player take an extra pair of pants when he went out on the golf
course?
Just in case he got a hole in one.
Golf In Heaven
God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee,
JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about
270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it
about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie.
God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the
trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half
falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As
it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on
the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods.
Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it
aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by
hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the
green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out
where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an
earthquake! The ball drops in... hole in one!
Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says:
“Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around?”
Trial Run
What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
MIsguided
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third
day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.
''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''
''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''
Three Preachers
There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all
fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the
bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes
back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across
the water, does his business, and comes back.
Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he
swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let me walk
across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims
back, tries again and he falls again.
The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell him
where the stepping stones are?''
More Stupid Quotes
On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all
the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?”
-- Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star
On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of
gross.”
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and
star in The Mirror Has Two Faces
On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be
born and be successful.”
-- Donna Summer, disco singer
On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical
hard.”
-- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest
On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the
tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the
tribes as well as their good hospitality.”
-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking
foreign visitors hostage
On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film
you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.”--
Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”
On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when
he was in college.”
-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig
On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It's a very good historical book about history.” --
former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's Modern Times
On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House.
I don't know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference
between the House and the Senate
On Earth, Where Found:“ [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar
system.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.
OJ's Airport Limo Service
Have you heard that OJ is starting a new Airport Limo service?
His motto is, "We get you there with time to kill!"
Redneck and Bugs
You might be a redneck if you think fly swatting is a national sport.
Stanley Cup Suicide
Ron Hextal, the Flyer's goalie, was so upset about losing the Stanley Cup that
he decided to commit suicide, so he jumped out in front of a bus.
It went through his legs.
2nd to 3rd
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to
run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third.
Giant Fan in Baltimore
A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and decides to stop in at a bar. He
pulls up to the bar and waits for the bartender. The bartender and the other
patrons ignore the fan. Finally, he speaks up.
"Could I get a beer please?"
"We don't serve Giants fans. This is a Ravens bar."
"Look I just want one drink and then I'll leave."
The bartender pours him a drink and gives him the third degree.
"What are you doing in Baltimore?"
"I'm here for a taxidermist conference."
"What does a taxidermist do?" the bartender asked.
"Oh, I mount animals."
The bartender steps back, and then says, "Hey boys, don't worry about this one,
he's one of us."
The Dallas Possums
"Did you hear they are thinking of changing the Dallas Cowboys to the Dallas
Possums?"
"No, why?"
Because they play dead at home and they die on the road.
Turf War in Iowa
Why do they use artificial turf in Iowa stadiums?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!
Pool for DJs
Why can't DJ's play pool?
Because they always scratch!
Baseball Field
What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?
The fence
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