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Ways to Tell a Redneck is on
Your Computer
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos
playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Jock vs. Nerd
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while
he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have
to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred
account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m.
on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and
about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago
restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for
all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have
less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
High Tech Man
A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The
bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and
asks him, "What are you doing?
The man replies, "Oh, it's the newest technology -- I have a phone built right
into my hand." The man puts his hand next to the bartender's ear and, sure
enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.
After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that
he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to
check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall
standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper
towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, "What are you doing?!"
The man groans and replies, "I'm waiting for a fax."
Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms.
President."
You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor
"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Bill Gates in Hell
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have
done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in
80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and
worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw
him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the
beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”
Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
Nerd Season
A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one
night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull
over.
On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his
face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he
replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar
and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a
plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out
his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the
trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've
opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes
back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid
becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard.
His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out
of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they
can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the
bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts
picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his
arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”
Woman -vs- Computer Geek Joke
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Women don't take 3 1/2'' floppies.
Britney Spears vs. Computer
How is a computer like Britney Spears?
They're both cheap, white, and plastic.
If _____ Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away
and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which
takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread
to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for
five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces
of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth
and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of
it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The
X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only
the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank
that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would
have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but
five years earlier.
How to be Annoying in the
Computer Lab
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my
God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't
get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn
it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen
than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at the highest
volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the
screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, "Just
in case..." mysteriously.
Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything
bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy
while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot."
Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,"
and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
"Disk fight!"
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know
them or not.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting
the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong Song"
whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't work, get
the supervisor.
When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days
later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.
Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a
while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you.
Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them
blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and
deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and
loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on
top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the
monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then
go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and continue
working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you
hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I
borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways
are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that
your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her
delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your
keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's
document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your
document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain
that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some glue on or
around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say
"You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you
go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and
yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer
and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've
known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're
a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend
it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't
work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of flowers in
your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily exclaim,
"You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence.
As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the
computer assistant, and then walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then calmly sit down
and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev 'er up,
and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll
be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
Two words: Tesla Coil.
Little Voice
A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a
blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed
it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how
weird.''
A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again,
checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped
mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing
nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.
As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and
went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five
minutes?''
The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little
voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out
here to check, I don't have any.''
Redneck Computer Lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when
your wife asks.
Celebrity Computer Viruses
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes
them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's
more than 75 miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the
authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global
interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data.
Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do
much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data
buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really
enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits
the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Nerd Sayings Galore
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <--- The information went data way --->
11. Best file compression around: ''''DEL *.*'''' = 100% compression.
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
14. The name is Baud, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn''''t DOS ever say ''''EXCELLENT command or filename!''''
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y''''all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don'''' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer''''s attention span is as long as it''''s power cord.
31. 11th commandment-Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor''''s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who''''s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I''''m modeming... and I can''''t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. ''''640K ought to be enough for anybody.'''' - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press -- to continue...
GirlFriend 1.0 - Software
Helpline Excerpt
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some
problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0
forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried
have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch
to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often
trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should
have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance
from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a
friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't
have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed
to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to
clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe
first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while
until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has
a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results
in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty
well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is
in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the
desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you
usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend
was totally ''object-oriented.''
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.
He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade
to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0,
which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he
can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife
1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the
resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did
not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up
feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to
run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway
because of insufficient resources.
Writing's Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a
"great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff
that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Star Trek 'n' Computer Geeks
What if Data Ran Windows98?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal
lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to
display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big,
blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it
over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on
the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms
from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your
next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those
shields up *right now.*
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your
next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes
the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and
return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which
is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge
pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields... [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes
violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks
erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from
the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data
picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more
buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan
ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for
that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses
several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly
shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard
coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two
hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable
about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual
noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red
emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely
motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General
Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with
them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full
battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears
moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
French Maid Techie
A French maid was tidying up for a wealthy computer whiz. She commented that he
had a nice PC. He looked frustrated and said, "Yeah, it's top of the line, but I
can't seem to get any programs to start up. You wouldn't happen to know how
these gizmos work, do you?"
She replied, "I'm sorry monsieur, I would love to help you, but oh la la, I
don't do Windows!"
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past
few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8,
and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an
economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that
crashes four times a day?"
Microsoft and a Halter Top
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!