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Mike Tyson's Computer
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
A Horoscope For The Workplace
ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The
Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like,
dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the
Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have
you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing,
which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible
with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree,"
you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you
to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can
"concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead
content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often
even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is
written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said
that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be
happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic"
gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune
from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you
tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other
person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls
today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet
completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the
rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your
worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle
Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined
to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone
in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from
taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little
cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with
your boss.
If Microsoft Was Looking for
Drivers
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would
perform illegal operations and crash.
Microsoft Darkness
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM
Baby Gates and Microsoft
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped
on time:
Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er,
born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products
have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded
them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow
and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced
one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the
actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
Computer Nerd
You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone
numbers!
IBM and Lightbulbs
How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around.
Blonde on the Computer
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out all over the screen.
Windows 666
Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately
recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give
you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like
to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini
models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem
so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which
seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a
few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging
above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened
to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that,"
says God. "That was just the demo."
Some Character
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is
good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different,
higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will
become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become
upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't
really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's
all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted
go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the
deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny
monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to
shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven,
where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are
punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation
of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek,
Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts
are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this
up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen
when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been
DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some
BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
Laptop
What's the difference between a blonde and Windows 95?
The blonde operates on more laptops!
Programming %#$*@#!!
What is the first programming language you learn when studying computer science?
Profanity
Computer Breasts
Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|oo| android breasts
Abbott & Costello's
Cyber-Routine
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X
CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be
very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off.
What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So
tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the
Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their
right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this
conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
Programmer Guffaws
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, that's a hardware problem!
Windows 95
Windows 95: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an
8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a
2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Year 2000 Interview With Jesus
Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News has obtained an
EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most to blame for the situation.
Internet News: We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of
the Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?
Jesus Christ: First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my
birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.
IN: But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated on
December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your birthday but January
1st was chosen?
JC: Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always struck me as
funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to celebrate it in the
middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't exactly "keeping watch over
their flocks by night" in the open fields during winter, were they?
IN: No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?
JC: December 28th.
IN: But...
JC: Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would just make
another holiday out of it and I think that two birthdays a year are more than
enough.
IN: But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?
JC: That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the ancients had
no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because of all the arguments about
whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC. It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so
they decided to skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.
IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.
JC: Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used a
calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the starting date. It was
close but 5 years off so my human nature is going to be 2,005 years old in the
year 2000.
IN: So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since you were
actually born in 5 BC?
JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".
IN: Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way. So, what's in store for
the world when the big Y2K hits?
JC: I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father made me
promise not to divulge any future events.
IN: Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers just in time
for the year 2000 to be a problem?
JC: Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had done his
calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.
IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.
JC: Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask people to go
out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.
IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.
Spock's Discovery
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The Captain's log!
First Computer in Biblical Times
Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?
Eve -- she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!
The Test
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer
thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With
little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer
answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''