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How Operating Systems are
like Knights
In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone
and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:
Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stably on his mare. He very
rarely falls, but knows only the most basic combat tactics and is very difficult
to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words.
King Gates plots to murder him.
Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS's twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his
horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to
communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in
his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed.
Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0's best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on
his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He's got some really
neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir
Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates
is always asking, 'Why can't you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?'
Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x's Brother. He's got the same designs on his
shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never
really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it
depends who he's talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at
once, but if he tries to coverse with too many, he'll fall right off his horse
and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.
Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95's tough-guy uncle. He's got duller designs on his
shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a
pain to get into and impossible to get out of -- all he can do is add more
layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right
with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows
advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with
eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates' favorite thing to show
off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering
swordsman of the land:
Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the
information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask.
Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir
Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.
Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the
realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And
recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does not know any useful
battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good
thing about him is that he has no problem with long words.
Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied them. He was
popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstence. There is
a rumor that he has a son named Warp.
King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is
not. And these are the OS Knights.
Programmer Lines for When their
Programs Fail
20) "That's weird..."
19) "It's never done that before."
18) "It worked yesterday."
17) "How is that possible?"
16) "It must be a hardware problem."
15) "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14) "There is something funky in your data."
13) "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12) "You must have the wrong version."
11) "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10) "I can't test everything!"
9) "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8) "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7) "Somebody must have changed my code."
6) "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5) "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4) "You can't use that version on your system."
3) "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2) "Where were you when the program blew up?"
1) "It works on my machine."
Computer Chat
What did one computer say to the other?
010101101010101010101
Using Computers for a Gratuitous
Screw Reference
The difference between computers and people?
With computers, software goes into hardware.
The Blonde And The E-mail
A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer broke. So the brunette said
she would check the blonde's e-mail for her. The blonde said, ''Cool! E-mail me
and tell me what I got.''
Redneck Meets Bill Gates
If you think Bill Gates is some kind of security policy, you might be a redneck.
Computer Humor
A computer flashed a message to its user:
"I give up! I can't handle it anymore! Let the chips fall where they may!"
A Confused Computer
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician
that the computer had said that it ''could not find the printer.'' The user had
even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer—but his computer
still could not 'see' the printer.
Signs You Picked the Wrong ISP
10. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq
portable and an acoustic coupler.
8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the
woods.
7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the
same sentence.
5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, e-mail, and 2MB of server space for your
personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks, "Would you
like fries with that?"
4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
2. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
1. They charge by the word.
Amuse-o-tron
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Clinton the Computer
Entrepreneur
What did President Clinton name his new computer business?
LAP TOPings
Computer Memory
Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?
A: It says ''byte me'''
The Three Horses of the
Apocalypse
The world is going to end in three days, so God calls the three most important
leaders on the planet to help him break the news to the masses: Bill Clinton,
Bill Gates and Jean Creitian.
Bill Clinton goes back to America and tells Congress and the Senate that he has
bad news and good news. The bad news is the world is going to end in three days,
the good news is that they can finally stop all those investigations of him.
Bill Gates goes back to Seattle and tells Microsoft that he has bad news and
good news. The bad news is that the world will end in three days. The good news
is that there won't be a follow up to Windows 98.
Jean Creitian goes back to Canada and says he has good news, really good news
and amazingly good news: "The good news god thinks I am a world leader, the
really good news is that all those problems with the budget won't exist in three
days and the amazingly good news is that I won't have to put up with that
annoying little twit Preston Manning any more."
Hypertext is Funny!
Why do they call it hyper text?
Too much JAVA.
Moron Computer Operator
How can you tell if you have a moron computer operator working for you?
Answer: Find the computer operator using white out on the monitor trying to
erase the mistakes.
Gorilla and Computer
What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer?
A Harry Reasoner!
Lightbulbs...
Q: How many Computer Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem.
Software Upgrade
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down
in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and
Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and
NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME
and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband
1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers
3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will
create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law
1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0
and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support
Assembly Required
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided
a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being
an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a
good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an
engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would
have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto
mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to
completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he
took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for
evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade
like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for
correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an
additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.