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10 Reasons You Know You Bought a
Bad Computer
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous
paperweight collection.
Mike Tyson's Computer
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
Battle of the Engineers
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer
finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry
his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that
every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two
engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely
thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his
hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using
every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At
Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are
also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his
shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
Beer for Geeks
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz
can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
no longer available.
MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you
take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the
can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need
to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.
Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks
a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can
only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of
Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer
creates less gas and makes you crash less.
Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested
it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but
tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some
of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks
just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look
like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted
as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to
64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they
claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the
pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can
opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set
of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several
years...
AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This
beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal
and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans
too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful,
but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.
Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
One day a blonde went into a
department ...
One day a blonde went into a department store.
She said to the owner, "Can I buy that T.V.?"
The owner replies, "No, you're a blonde".
Next day the blonde comes into the same shop with black hair and says, "Can I
buy that T.V.?"
The shop keeper says "No, you're a blonde."
Next day the blonde comes in with pink hair and says, "Can I buy that T.V.?"
The owner says, "No, you're a blonde."
Then the blonde goes, "How do you know I'm blonde?"
He replies, "Because it's a microwave."
Blond with a cell phone
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
Three men were in a sauna...
Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German, and a Pollack.
Suddenly, they heard a beeping noise. The Italian guy pushed a few buttons on
his hand and then told the others that he had a chip installed in his hand to
allow him to be paged.
Then, they heard a ring and the German man pushed a button on his hand and put
his hand up to his ear and carried a conversation.
After pressing another button on his hand the German man said that he had a chip
installed in his hand to allow him to receive calls.
The Polish man excuses himself to use the bathroom.
He comes back, with a piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt.
The other men laugh and point. The Polish man cranes his neck around to look.
He says, "Wow! I must have gotten a fax!"
An airline's passenger cabin was
being ...
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant who put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced
to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, sophisticated
woman hadn't moved. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I
take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, "Well honey, in my country I'm called a
Queen, so . TRAY UP BIZNATCH!
Star Dreck
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
Yo mama is so dumb...
Yo mama is so dumb she thought taco bell was a Mexican phone company
E-vil
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a
computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User
ID and Password to continue."
She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and
your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date
of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our
database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked
"Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time
filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is
temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."
There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
A new page appears.
It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password
to continue..."
Yo mama's so poor, she only
has...
Yo mama's so poor, she only has two channels on her black and white tv, On and
Off.
Why does the TV like the remote?
Q: Why does the TV like the remote?
A: Because it turns it on!
Double Oh Seven
James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. He
gives her a quick glance, then casually looks down at his watch. The woman next
to him asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replied, "Q's just given me
this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." Intrigued by this, the
woman asks, "What does it do, Mr. Bond?" "Well you see," said Bond, "it uses
Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." "I see," said the woman, "and what's
it telling you now?" "It says you're not wearing any knickers..." Bond says. The
woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing
knickers!" 007 taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
I want my MTV
A blonde walks into Best Buy looking for a television. The salesman walks up to
her and tells her that the store does not serve blondes. The next day the blonde
walks back into Best Buy with a red wig and asks if she could buy the
television, but the salesman says to her again, "We don't serve blondes."
Disappointed, the blonde takes off her wig and asks the salesman how he knew she
was a blonde. The salesman replies, "Because this is a microwave."
A Joke of Genius
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat.
Hard Drive
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.
Miseducation of Man and Woman
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman =
affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb
employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb
employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A
woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS &
STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend.