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Having a very bad day
You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your
blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when
you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last
night...... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Recalled Christmas Toys
Broken Bag-O-Glass
Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
Switchblade Barney
Pork-n-Beany Babies
Make your own moonshine kit
Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
Cats are thinking about
Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get
these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
This looks like a good spot for a nap.
Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats
hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's
boss!
You're stressed when
You Know You're Too Stressed If...
You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin to chase you.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of
espresso.
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
it before.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things become "Very Clear."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
it before.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.
The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
You and Reality file for divorce.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
it before.
You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else,
but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears,
leaving you more confused than before.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
it before.
You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of
nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like
losing your best friend.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said
it before.
You from New York?
Signs You're from New York
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to
Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find
Wisconsin on a map.
The homeless are invisible.
The subway makes sense.
The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you
multilingual.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
Your door has more than three locks.
You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
You complain about having to mow it.
You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
You consider Westchester "Upstate".
You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
Things dad won't say
Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car
dates. Won't that be fun?
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for
you, son?
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider
throwing a party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a
mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your
belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.
Bad hostage negotiator
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the
bathroom.
Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to
see what's taking him so long.
Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then
remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door
opener.
Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages
go.
Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock
scissors tournament.
Forget your gun at home.
Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she
marry you.
As Negotiator:
Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What
about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust
pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I
can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets
the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV
movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying
out of a 52nd story window.
Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal
with him.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never
gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
Dogs not on computers
Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
Fetch command not available on all platforms.
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com
instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
Too Hard To Type With Paws.
Drink too much coffee
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even
work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more,
I'll have a cup."
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee
can
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get
you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.