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A new car from AOL
The AOL Car
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try
again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing
better cars.
AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no
apparent reason.
The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty
colors and lights.
The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family
members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for
6 months.
If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of
them.
The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL
car cell phones.
AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other
car dealerships.
AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just
for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse
mileage.
Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car
owner.
AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have
them.
Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
Excuses for sleeping
Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work
They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management
course you sent me to.
I was working smarter - not harder.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a
new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned
at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do
you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest
problem.
The coffee machine is broken....
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid
getting shot.
Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
I'm just resting my eyes.
You an Internet addict?
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't
have a clue as to when it happened.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled
the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site
address on TV.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail
arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks
like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them
are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have
neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on
the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do"
-- even though you don't have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you
never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your
computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another
computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first
instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Too many Y2K fears
Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious
You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up
in your cellar.
You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still
have food left!
You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.
You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled
water.
You were depressed because nothing happened !!
AOL as an entire city
If AOL Were A City...
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to
leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy
little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only
$399.99.
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave
your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter
saying how you "really are important to us."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer
screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and
laugh at you, behind your back.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you
that the city has performed an illegal operation.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move
in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids
to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
You're a bad customer
You Might Be A Bad Customer If:
You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less"
lane.
You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't
decide for another 30 minutes.
You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
You return the coffee because it's too hot.
You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure
component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20
years.
If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all
the employees are wrong.
While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this
all the TVs you have?"
You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier
food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the
floor.
You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place,
while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
Cards not in Hallmark
Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met
you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I
met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it
for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need
for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife
out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are
bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke
up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's
his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father
was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only
one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're
having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
Wrong kid is mowing
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
No toes.
All of life's annoyances
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to
be found?
...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone
hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph
slower than the speed limit?
...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards
keep falling out?
...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like
it'll magically open for them and not you.
...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling
it for another 15 minutes.
...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to
try some.
...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're
just looking around.
...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put
food in your mouth.
...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a
pressure reading.
...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead
batteries.
...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or
uses a credit card.
...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your
hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
Terrorize telemarketer
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon,
cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give
you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer
explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't
want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you
say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they
get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could
bring you a case of beer and some chips.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you
could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you
be my friend?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?"
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to
figure out where the hell she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no
one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
Tell him that he's stupid
Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
You're no longer cool
You Are No Longer "Cool" When
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair
piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music,
forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and
joining it.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next
day.
When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running
shoes.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.