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Bad to hear in surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Adults learn from kids
Things Adults Learn From Kids:
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to
rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot
room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling
fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man
says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not
leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches
deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on
water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately,
mostly in retrospect).
Signs of the 2000's
Signs Of The 2000's
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get
angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage
makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you
make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the
bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
amused.
Thinnest books around
Thinnest Books
The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
The Amish Phone Directory
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
French Hospitality
Everything Women Know About Men
Everything Men Know About Women
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Different Ways To Spell Bob
Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
The Wild Years-By Al Gore
Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
Human Rights Advances In China
To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.
Make life simpler tips
Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the
names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an
old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across
the road and mounting the curb.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply
peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be
much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in
which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling
water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you
can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
True Internet addiction
You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:
You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a
laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child
in the overhead compartment.
All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net:
28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site
address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail
arrives.
When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are
already highlighted in purple.
Your pet has its own home page.
You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.
You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your
children are.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his
friends know not to call on his line anymore.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have
neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do"
and you don't even have a job.
Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you
never log off.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like
the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200
hours per month "unlimited".
You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another
computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
You are in California
You Know You're In California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bulletproof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Your mouse has only one ball.
You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets.
When 'the Dead' are best live.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a
wetsuit for the beach.
Government problems
Things To Think About Our Government:
29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.
7 Have been arrested for fraud.
19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.
117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.
3 Have been arrested for assault.
71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.
14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.
8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.
84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed
Congressional immunity.
Gas price comparison
Gas Prices vs ?
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I
have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take
the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little
convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to
light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope
or Whiteout!