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Most useless inventions
Useless Inventions
Non stick Cellotape
Solar Powered Flash Light
A black highlighter pen
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Inflatable Anchor
Smooth Sandpaper
Waterproof sponge
Waterproof Teabags
AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
Fireproof Matches
Fireproof Cigarettes
Battery powered Battery Charger
Seatbelts for Motorbikes
Hand powered Chainsaw
Inflatable Dartboard
Silent Alarm Clock
A Pedal powered wheelchair
Braille Drivers Manual
Double sided playing cards
Ejector seats for Helicopters
Signs that you're broke
Signs You're Really Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
Television from Iraq
Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Achmed's Creek"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Just Shoot Me"
Know because of TV
Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are
On TV
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
wearing their most revealing underwear.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a
woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will
ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of
the building without difficulty.
You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of
showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
People of TV never finish their drinks.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
The chief of police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just
grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should
open the fridge door and use that light instead.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at
least once.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning,
even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
bullets.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football
stadium.
If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run
a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of
visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
All single women have a cat.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men
firing at one.
Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating
the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their
family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are
speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be
clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite
laying entire cities to waste.
No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is
never damaged.
If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the
vicinity.
You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases,
lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.
Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be
played without moving the fingers.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun
away. You can always buy a new one.
Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know
all the steps.
How cold is it outside?
How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go
swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream,
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes,
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue
on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do
something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars
don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on
sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Good to be Canadian
Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian
It beats being an American.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will
rise.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
Own-an-eskimo scheme.
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
To do at the drivethru
Top twenty things to do at a drivethru
Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask
the price for.
Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door
open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the
window.
Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping
and drive on.
Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
Ask how they fit into that little box.
If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like
the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?"
If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they
come out, drive away.
Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get
out of the car and cause a scene.
When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your
car in it.
Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Good to be an Italian
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.
In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
Unembarrassed to wear fur.
No need to worry about tax returns
Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
Can wear sunglasses inside
Political stability
Flexible working hours
Live near the Pope
Country run by Sicilian murderers
Good to be American
Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American
You can have a woman president without electing her
You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
You can call Budweiser beer
You can be a crook and still be president
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
If you can breathe you can get a gun
You can invent a new public holiday every year
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to
care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
Top Valujet slogans
Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines
ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
On flights, every section is a smoking section.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Bring a bathing suit.
Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get
as close as possible for the best view.
That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
Signs your burned out
"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"
You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off
my back, jerk!"
Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you
just don't care.
You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
You sleep more at work than at home.
You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.