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Fun at others expense
30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to
others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions
"to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your
boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence
is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints
by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow
down.
Sing along at the opera.
Fun to do in elevators
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of
you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough
air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you
hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got
new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion
sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and
move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Good to be French
Top reasons why it's great to be French
Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
If there's a war you can surrender really early
You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your
sense of national pride
People think you're a great lover even when you're not
Broker market crash
The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash
"He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
"He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
"He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
"I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
"He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
"No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"
"He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
"I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked
except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
"Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
Recent cartoon rejects
The Top Recently Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons
"Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."
"Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."
"Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."
"Yosemite Sam...UNCENSORED!"
"The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."
"Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."
"The Land of The Lost...The Barney Years."
"COPS" in full color animation!
Scary fortune cookies
The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie
We know where you live.
You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
Everyone's meal today is on you!
The "special sauce" came from the floor!
Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
Halloween handouts
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
Teeth removing Taffy
Metamucil in a straw
Ex-Lax Brownies
Caramel Covered Zucchini
Colored Crisco on a Stick
Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
Chocolate Covered Prunes
A Handful of Red Man
Anything that ticks!
The Hollywood hotel
The Top 10 Floor Plans for the Planet Hollywood Movie Hotel
"Scream" suite which becomes vacant quickly.
Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at
all times.
Marv Albert has reservations for "The Crying Game" floor.
More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.
No one takes a shower on the "Psycho" floor
Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide...YIKES
No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor...just use the Force.
Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.
Wake up call on Stallone floor is "Yo, Adrian!"
"Showgirls" floor booked until 2010..by Congress.
Disney cruise delays
The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line
Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3
Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and
Minnie's cousins.
Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
Charo kept showing up.
The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.
The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This
Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.
Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as
Shuffleboard discs.
New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is
not as "exciting and new" as their last one.
Your dentist is crazy
The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy
Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore
your pants backwards when you came into his office.
Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you
just go out with him.
Asteroid hits the Earth
Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth
For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't
survive.
There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
Don't say to a judge
Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge
"I got your community service right here pal!"
"Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
"You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
"You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
"No you robe wearing geek."
"I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out
there?"
"Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"