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Well, how do I look?
The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question
"That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."
"I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."
"Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."
"Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there
for!!"
"Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."
"Like the girl I was with yesterday."
"Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."
"Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."
"How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Bad at an office party
The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party
Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's
fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just
so you could throw this party in the first place.
Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.
Santa must be drinking
The Top 10 Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking
While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just
get going!"
Bad to say at funerals
Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
Geez, what died in here?
He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
Nice service...where's the keg?
When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking
for...oh, never mind.
Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
Internet crime heroes
The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime
Inspector Gadget
Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons
Captain America On Line
The Wonder Barbi Twins
The Silver Surfer
The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn)
Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a "Nets"cape,
its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!
DBase Ventura
Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there
goes another hacker!!)
Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???
You have a boring job
The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job
You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
You have visited every website in the world.
You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New
Kids on the Block reunion tour.
You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier
radiation in his life.
You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write
one single speeding ticket.
Excuses for speeding
The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding
"This is my tryout for Nascar."
"I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
"That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out
at ANYTIME!"
"I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
"Cause those Gorditas rule."
"Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
"Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
"Umm..I'm drunk?"
"Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette
"Uninvited" song!"
Very bad private eye
The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye
Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
His best disguise is wearing a hat.
Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's
caught the suspect.
Well, he's blind.
Must be out of shape
The Top Signs You're Out of Shape
You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man
would have taken plastic.
You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and
whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
Terrible history teacher
The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a
shot.
Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.
Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.
Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one
box.
Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount
of Lithium.
Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on
time.
Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
To do in space station
The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station
Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!
Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will
have work to do into the New Year.
When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while
wearing just your space helmet.
Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you
get home.
Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will
be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part
of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless
space experiments.
Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a
reason for making it.
In a bad nursing home
The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home
Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
Its named Matlock Manor.
No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in
every language known to man.
You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
Rectal thermometers made of wood.
Two words: Community Bedpan.
Send kids to school
The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School
To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.
No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school
or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.
To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting
a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order
to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).
Top ten error messages
The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You
Just Bought
"That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
"If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
"The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
"Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this
time."
"Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
"Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
"Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
"That General Protection Fault is not yours."
"You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you
for free?"
"I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela
Anderson video... may I suggest another?"
Don't say to security
The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught
Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
"Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
"DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
"Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
"Thanks idiot...I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and
not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
"Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down
a spiral ramp!"
"I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
"I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife
wannabe!"
"See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous
sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP
MAN!!!"
"Ummmm...I'm looking for beer money?"
Checking the salad bar
The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate
Up
Anything that's moving.
Green Carrots.
Moldy Croutons.
Body parts.
Blood in the French Dressing.
A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and
there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders,
under the ice on the bar.
Stay in West Virginia
The Top 10 Reasons Not To Stay in West Virginia
Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.
You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.
You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of
"South Virginia", and driving off in a fit of laughter.
You're stuck with AM Radio...AM COUNTRY radio.
You've grown tired of seeing the group "Glass Tiger" at the local Acorn Festival
each year.
The sheep won't take your "abuse" anymore and they are planning a revolt.
Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.
The local theatre's performance of "Les Miserables" left something, no A LOT, to
be desired.
You've had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of "shine".
No matter how hard you try, your cows don't appear receptive to chasing or
catching that Frisbee.
Heard at a tax office
The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The
Tax Filing Deadline
No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so
for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4
years, not the other way around.
Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them
as your dependants.
No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you
check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a
business expense.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an
extension later at my place" argument.
I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that
you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!
Time to do the laundry
The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry
You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious
funk.
Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the
movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because
the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt,
your friends still say you reek.
The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
Your red T-shirt is now green.
The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not
include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
A relationship is over
The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over
All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America
OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.
They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the
usual 3!!!
She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job;
it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
Flying on a bad airline
The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline
The engine's being held on by duct tape.
You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and
down the aisles.
In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top
down.
Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and
bigger arms than you!
Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes
the bottle.
You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's
feet!!!