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Now he's in trouble
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the
car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?" To
which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind
you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said
with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen?
No. He just kept right on going."
The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman
continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the
speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told
him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."
And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"
The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this
way?"
To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."
Chief is at a wedding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you
that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Clinton is vacationing
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station
to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once
Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary
and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a
service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of
the United States."
Travel with a horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't
move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he
called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he
wouldn't even try!"
Bum in need of food
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he
saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about
three feet tall!"
After a bad accident
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an
accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to
hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
slippers.
The train has failed
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought,
and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a
standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had
stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is
that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good
news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
Driver illegally parks
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his
automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment,
and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the
block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us
not into temptation."
Driver illegally parks
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his
automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment,
and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the
block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us
not into temptation."
Travel in the far east
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east
country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which
the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are
sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the
rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear
hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand,
as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment.
But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a
couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before
the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through
the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you,
as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes,
that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
Rolls-Royce vs. Yugo
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy,
that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too?
I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You
know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a
television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there?
I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went
straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the
back of his Rolls-Royce.
The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It
came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a
bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the
Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.
It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and
knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued
knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window,
and stuck his soaking wet head out.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated
arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!"
Get me off this train
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in
he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in
Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what
I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a
business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the
favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but
no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is
that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he
fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so
mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in
Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in
the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"
Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in
Mannheim."
Snake solves problem
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it
began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades
were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I
suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I
located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up,
straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just
fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
Car company names
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient,
Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
Try to get some rest
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from
his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park
somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it,
the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging
routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on
his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the
car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled
back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window
and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by
and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To
avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window
saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was
just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."