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''I'm Stupid'' Signs
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way
you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would
be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was
a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it
takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat
into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope — talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a
guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright
Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into
this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all
right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks
at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I
was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's
your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house
and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets
out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's
hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I
misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out
no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up
to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I
thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck
stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He
thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty,
chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts
the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it
died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the
guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says,
'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead
in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we
went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into
the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
An Act of Charity
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in
the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out
three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that
someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately
shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her
to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three
handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Ventriloquist and the Polack
A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk
polack confronted him, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock
the shit out of you.'' ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun,'' replied the
comedian. The polack retorted, ''I was talking to little asshole on your knee."
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly
closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable
and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and
looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After
awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher
follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the
path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this
again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden,
beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big
guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's
a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's
forgotten his key!"
Little Pianist
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks
up to the man and says, ''That's amazing how did you get that.'' The man pulls
out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and
a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says,
''I wish I had a million bucks.'' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish
will be granted."
So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He
goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, ''I know, do you
really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'''
Turner Brown, Elevator Passenger
A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The
big guy looks down at him.
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
Turner Brown." Hearing this, the small guy faints! The big guy picks up the
small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
"What's wrong?"
"Excuse me, but what did you say?"
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
my name is Turner Brown."
"Thank God. I thought you said, 'turn around.'"
Emoticons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :)
means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(
respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Heavenly Reward
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But
before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure
you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the
beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You
have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was
married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first
year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for
63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy
with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the
matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife
and she was on a skateboard!"
Pearly Gates
Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one
space open for someone. He asked them how they died.
"I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house
and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit
his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him.
But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself."
"I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to
a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then
dropped a fridge on me."
"I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."
Red Ring
A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a
problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around
his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that
medication you gave me?''
''Lipstick remover.''
WINDERS 98
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows
98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the
Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed
on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct
tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations
that carry the race car n' truck
Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the
Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Workplace Farting: Options
Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is
the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time,
such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended
to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among
the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of
holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about
the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So
be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors
to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After
commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the
office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying
air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a
good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the
proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is
just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame.
If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it
reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the
chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly
unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to
use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend
practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in
anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and
tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could
distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings
and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all
the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in
general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have
established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the
decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a
meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above
applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you
like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option.
By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the
incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels
than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the
scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the
closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you
are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies
in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them
about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find
another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
Chicken Wire & Duct Tape
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs
and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging
behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy
walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by,
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a
long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
Sticker Shock
Back in the day, when they stamped each can in the grocery store with a sticker
price, there was a store employee doing just that. Standing in the aisle next to
him was a lady trying to figure out what she wanted. The employee smelled that
this lady had let a silent bomb escape from her ass. Quite annoyed at her
indescretion, he said to her, “Wait 'til you see the prices, lady. You'll shit!”
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female
boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never
know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets
some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home
to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of
the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
What Happens to IRS Cheats After
Death
One day, a man named Tony died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that
he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.
He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and
the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that
this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with
this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an
even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos, Tony
asked him what was going on. Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did." They
both shook their heads and figured that, as long as they have to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos and their two beastly women were walking along one day, minding
their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn they saw their friend
John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous
supermodel-centerfold woman. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in
fact, it was their friend John. They asked him how is it that he is with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these digustingly awful women.
John replied, "I have no idea and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been
positively the best time of my life (and I'm dead!) and I have five years of the
best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing I
can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and
murmurs to herself "Damn income taxes!"
Chemistry, Duke and Bonkistry
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by
Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry".
He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with
something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did
pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that
going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final
was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends
up there.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and
everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor
Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told
him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in
time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a
spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the
following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told
them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet
and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and
solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be
easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however,
for what they saw on the next page...
WHICH TIRE? (95 points)
Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference
between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that
people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat
dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"What part did you get?"
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so
excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to
define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a
tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an
accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss!
Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura
were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most
people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great
loss!"