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The chastity belt
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told
his best friend -
"My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It
would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and
most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should
I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a
cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the
town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
The bride
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked
pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might
kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for
dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened
to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I
thought he meant his money!!"
The king & Princess
There was a really naughty princess who had a bad reputation of
having sex with almost every guy in the kingdom. Her father the king found out
about her bad behavior and decided to put an end to it. He told his daughter the
princess to rub permanent green glitter on her p*ssy. She didn't question him
but just did what she was told. After a meeting with his counsel members that
week, he found out that one guy from the kingdom was found going into his
daughter's bedroom at night. Unfortunately, the council member that told him did
not see exactly how the guy looked like, but had a faint perception.
The council member was ordered to find any guy that he believed could have been
the one and bring him to the king.
Later, the council member had brought four men that he believed were the ones.
The king told all the guys to take of their pants because if his daughter had
sex with them, they would have green glitter on their dicks.
After all of the guys took off their, pants, he noticed that none of them had
any traces of green glitter, so he just asked them one by one to say their names
(so that they won't be brought to the king again) and then be off. The first one
said his name and was off, so do the second one and the third. When it was the
fourth ones turn, he hesitated to say his name. The King asked him once then
another time, and then threatened to burn off his wanger if he didn't comply.
Just as he began to open his mouth, the king started seeing green glitter on the
guy's tongue. The King then fainted.
Animal football match
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a
football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at
will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five
yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for
another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the
centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead
blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first
half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are
sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?
"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final
straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.
So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad
reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.
"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the
hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit
when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.
So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab.
The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.
"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire
hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help
myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.
The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you
too, huh?"
No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
The dead goldfish
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing,
he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just
buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a
goldfish isn’t it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s
inside your goddamn cat.”
impregnation
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading
to town to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the
cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to
impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the
instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out
to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
Poor farmer John
Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the
auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped
him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's
clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.
Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked
and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by.
They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge
stick and started bashing the calf with it.
"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John
replied, "I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am
not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!"
The story of bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for
blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where
to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He
flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night,
he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Perfect pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a
pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that
can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man
says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ...
I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes
later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and
silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have
been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and
get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no
centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no
centipede.
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a
couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't
imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?
Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede
sitting right outside the door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get
me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"
You ugly !
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet
store.
She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really
ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing
her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said,
"hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue
the store and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it
again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey
lady." She paused and said," yes?" The bird said, "you know."
A very depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from
the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you
another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying"
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.
First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires
me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave
it,
I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife
sleeping with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end
to my life,
you show up and drink my poison."
Genie in a bottle
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says
the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in
ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the
bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for
a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
Armless man in a bar
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the
bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he
would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to
his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked
if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his
lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have
arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your
restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three
blocks down the street."
Three Pints of Guiness
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see,
I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in
Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders
three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in
turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he
laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
Bill Gates dies in car crash
He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call, i am not sure whether to send you
to heaven or hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every
home in America, yet you also created that ghastly windows operating system.
I am going to do something i've never done before in your case, i am going to
let you decide where you want to go.
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two ?"
St Peter said, "I am willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will
help your decision."
"Fine, where should i go first ?" asked Bill.
"I'll leave that up to you." St. Peter replies.
"Ok then, let's try Hell first." said Bill.
Off Bill went to hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikin-clad
women running around, playing in the water, laughing & frolicking about.
The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great !" he told St. Peter. "if this is hell, i REALLY want to see
heaven!".
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off the went. Heaven was a place high in clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as
enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm, I think i'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorded St. Peter, "as you desire".
So, Bill Gates went to hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter. decided to check on the
late billionaire to see how he was doing in hell.
When he got there, he found Bill , shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot
flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the hell i visited two weeks ago! I can't
believe this is happening!
What happened to that other place, with beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad
women playing in the water ???"
"Ahhh" replied St. Peter, "That was a demo".
Billy and GOD
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is
important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that
protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.
God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left
hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God
then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.
God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
Smart blonde
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to
try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had
never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting
to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great!
First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Blonde condom
A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he sells condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone
right now."
Blondes hunting
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other
blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use
that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2
dimes, and a nickel?"
Red Ears
One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears. The
doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the phone rang and I
picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened to the other ear?" the doctor
asked. "They called back."
Blonde & a lawyer
The blonde and the lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just
wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a
few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me
$5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she
plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his
laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air
phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde
says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Businessman dying
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I
want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
Next >
Postdated cheque
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the
calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been
worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
President
Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school
reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the
full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up
the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, "Gee, that guy looks
so familiar!" A few minutes later, it hit her. "Bill!" she said, "I do know that
guy! We used to date in high school!"
Bill turned to Hillary and said, "Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?"
"Why?" asked Hillary.
"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!"
"Well," said Hillary, "If I had married him, he'd be President!"
Future handicapping
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing,
pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever
they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo
headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are
handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Celebrities Jokes
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a
super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We
have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash
landing - assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out
lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your
make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save
first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my
make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh
which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia
shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for
everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good
authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with
big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her
"love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy??
Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds:
"BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for
in plane crashes is a black box!!"
Job fair
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose.
"Well," he said,
"Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were
right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered
'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
Hot air balloon
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted
a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30
feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were
in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Drunk Scotsman
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a
considerable amount of alcohol at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he
felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walking down the road heard the Scotsman snoring
loudly. They saw him and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears
under his kilts." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt,
and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he
has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a
blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided
the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and
walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his
kilt and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where ya
been laddie...but it's nice ta know ya won first prize!"
Mother's hair
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Group picture
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael.
He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."
Whales question
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Raking Motion
Yesterday I was taking a break in the back garden after nasty storms,
and my wife upstairs was having a shower.
I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her: "Honey, where's the rake?".
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?".
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife
wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her
eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and
finally to her crotch.
Well, I had no idea what in god's name she was on about, so I trudged up the
stairs, poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, "What the hell was
that?".
She replied
EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH
My darling wife
A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's
wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife
those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten
years ago."
My son
Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons,
each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he
walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'"
Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good
morning, your Grace.'"
Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good
morning, your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall
and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him
'Oh, My God!'"
Warm and moist
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the
dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
A day at the zoo
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla,
the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest. He is obviously excited
at the sight of the young lady in the sundress. When the husband notices the
apes excitement, he suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom. She does,
and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips
down. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Next, he suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does. This about
drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings
her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands
together says:
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
Feel like a woman
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are
screaming.
They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take
this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a
chair.
If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman.
Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her
seat.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even
in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and
says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you
interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt
and says, "Here, iron this."
Ladies night out
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it
to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other
butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50
bill and called the guy over.
I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated
over to me!
Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try
and top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt...
grabbed the 80 bucks and went home
Lawyer croaks
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my
lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last
week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to
speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell
you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Super engineer
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it
going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you
going to get a lawyer?"
Lawyer got an accident
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the
scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your
left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
Cross examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you
trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room
in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for
you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Operation
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate
on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up
everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up
everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up
everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked
why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and
their ass and head are interchangeable".
Army & Navy
A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy
mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy
man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are
ruined.
Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a
heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said,
"Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."
The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why don't we
celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the
truck."
The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a
gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink
as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle
back to the navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get
here!"
Actual radio conversation
This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995. Canadians: Please divert
your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend
you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course. Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This
is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States
Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and
numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north.
I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be
undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse.
Your call.
Sell vacuum cleaner
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the
door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow
patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll
eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
Almost
first time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and havedinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, thegirl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she wouldlike to go out and make love for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, sohe takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. Thepharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boyeverything there is to know about condoms and
sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condomshe'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boyinsists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be ratherbusy, it being his first time and all. That
night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house andmeets his girlfriend at
the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you tomeet my parents, come on in!" The boy
goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where thegirl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say graceand bows his head. A minute passes, and the
boy is still deep in prayer, with hishead down. 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriendleans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea youwere this
religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father wasa
pharmacist."