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Saskatchewan Jokes
Top 10 Reasons To Live In Saskatchewan, Canada
1.You never run out of wheat
2.Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
3.Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4.Your province is really easy to draw
5.You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6.It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7.YOUR Roughriders survived
8.You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9.People will assume you live on a farm
10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
British Columbia Jokes
Top 10 Reasons To Live in British Columbia, Canada
1.Weed
2.Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3.The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4.The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5.Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6.A university with a nude beach
7.You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8.If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9.There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10.Cannabis
Alberta Jokes
Top 10 Reasons To Live in Alberta, Canada
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
Vancouver Jokes
Report from the picket line at Depot 74, Vancouver; Day One
12:00 High noon, and tensions are high as well. Management is hiding inside the
depot, so to set an example for the world and save face we will have to beat one
of our own union members into a bloody pulp with a baseball bat. Volunteers are
requested.
12:01 No one volunteers. Morale seems low. This could be a long strike.
12:02 We randomly select one union member to "volunteer." In what is surely a
meaningless coincidence, this turns out to be the smallest, stupidest and most
fragile worker there.
12:03 The plan is stymied when our "volunteer" runs away with our only baseball
bat. Recreational events for the weekend will have to be cancelled....
13:00 After only one hour, I am already bored and frozen, stiff being the
appropriate adjective in each case.
14:12 Newspapers (the Province), books (Plato's Republic) and radios (CKNW
talkshows) are abandoned when one of our union brothers reveals his former
identity as a Special Forces Vietnam Vet. His anecdotes about home-made
explosives are especially informative.
14:36 Several of the union brothers and sisters pay a quick visit to a nearby
paint store.
15:27 Morale leaps up suddenly when a Federal Express truck overturns and
explodes in front of the depot. Despite our best efforts, the driver manages to
escape from the flames.
16:30 I go for a lunch break of chicken souvlaki at the trendy coffeeshop next
door, Automotive.
17:00 We are forced to abandon our defensive positions in the back alley due to
the encroaching darkness and the proximity of the fast-moving cars there.
Somewhat daunted by losing the best place to drink unobserved, we retreat to the
depot's frontage on Homer Street.
18:00 My first tour on picket duty is over, and I have survived to whine about
it for another day....
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You know you are in Vancouver when...
Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none are visible.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than Canadian flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call. "Do you have a spare
bedroom for a weekend?"
You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston Manning.
You can't remember...is pot still illegal?
You go to your office manager's baby shower. The parents are named Judy and
Amber.
You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker and
you mean it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are
willing to fight about it.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
A man walks on Robson in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't notice.
You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person who is
looking puzzled at a city map.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".
You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can't decide
between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class.
Your new neighbours go to temple, but you are still not sure if they're Jewish
or Buddhist.
You own an expensive Gore-Tex mountaineering jacket and wear it 90% of the time.
You run the risk of being trampled by all the running clubs out at 8am on Sunday
morning.
Your choices for vegetarian food aren't limited to the salad bar at Bonanza.
Newfoundland Jokes
The Genie
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the
bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it,
and out came a genie.
"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.
The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some
rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."
*Poof*
A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He
looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very
content starts walking away.
"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"
"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"
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Newfoundland Survival Kit
Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada's
youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:
a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be
impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote
these jokes verbatum.
b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be
considered snobbish.
c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it's history stick to safe
topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear
unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a
Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".
d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as
"Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won't get you many friends. The
correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make
sure it is this one.
e) Don't visit a bar on Monday evening, it will be empty as everyone will be at
home watching "This Hour Has 22 Minutes". Also look through the TV Guide to see
if "Codco" is on, another good time to stay at home.
f) If you do visit a night club be sure to ask for Screech. You will insult the
bartender by asking for anything else. Newfoundlanders are like the Scots when
it comes to their national drink. It's a fact the average Newfoundlander drinks
Screech with every meal.
g) If you don't get to visit Newfoundland, but meet a Newfoundlander during your
visit to Toronto, remember to compliment him/her on the province. A good example
would be: "Your from Newfoundland, I love the Maritimes, I visited Nova Scotia
two years ago".
h) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be
impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote
these jokes verbatum.
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Showing A Horse
There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my
horse laugh then I will give you $50".
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he
went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar
tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.
Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a
sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.
So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he
went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar
tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and
cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him
cry I showed him!
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"One day a Newfie goes down to the village carpenter and requests a wooden crate
that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide and 50 feet long."
When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the Newfie replies "The wife
snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get
it fixed."
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A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering
what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing
there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if
he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.
Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one
of your land rodents."
Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.
Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."
Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the
spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez
"There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops
10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.
The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out
of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring
dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"
Cities:
San Francisco Jokes
You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...
Your co-worker tells you s/he have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak. You think of danger.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in
English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers
have never seen it.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can
taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named
"Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the
teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga,
aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and
you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the
midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
Chicago Jokes
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was
transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he
had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even
though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with
world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good
public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all
that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked, "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
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White Sox Jokes
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her
students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what
a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the
air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sox
fan."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"Why I'm proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl
why she is a Cubs fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I'm a Cubs fan too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom
was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Sox fan."
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"It's hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and
spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with
my Cubness."--Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer
about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at
Wrigley Field
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."--Whitey Herzog
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more
hitting couldn't help."--Bill Buckner
"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard."--Cubs manager Lee
Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later
that same season.
"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a
no-hitter."--Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep
my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up
immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."--Radio deejay
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank
on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action."--Garagiola
again
Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.
"The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs
win."--pianist George Shearing
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Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to
a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to
more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th,
90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each
league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject
of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that
finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's
future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken
down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs
pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida
Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
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A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil
decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up.
The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: "Just
like Chicago in Spring"
So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his
coat, smiled, and said:
"Just like Chicago in Summer"
This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum.
The man removed his shirt and tie and said
"Just like Chicago in August"
The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air
conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in
dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the
man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....
"The Cubs won the World Series...The Cubs won the World Series..."
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Going to Chicago
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the
plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and
says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach
area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight
attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and
says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach
area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get
assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant
approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to
move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde's ear. A
moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes
over to the coach area.
One of the flight attendants asks the captain, "What on Earth did you say to
her?"
The captain explains, "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."
Atlanta Jokes
Some quick thoughts...
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of
Downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville,
South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase,
"When you see the Waffle House..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with
Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Battle or Peachtree Corners.
4. Atlanta is the home of Coca Cola. That?s all we drink here, so don?t ask for
any other soft drink... unless it?s made by Coca Cola.
5. Atlantan's only know their way to work and their way home.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It?s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started
on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to
that effect so that out-of-towners don?t feel lost....they?re just on a "scenic
drive."
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is
from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday?s rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts
through 2:00 a.m. Saturday.
9. Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody... especially those of us who
live here.
10. "Sir" and "Ma?am" are used by the person speaking to you if there?s a remote
possibility that you?re at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey". "Honey"
is always used by Waffle House waitresses.
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt
the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their head to the right and
stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pont duh LEE-on")
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all
traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the
next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you?re standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you?re expected to get
on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced "LAN-uh".
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of
entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta?s version of
Old Faithful erupts.
17. Construction crews aren?t doing their job properly unless they close down
all lanes except one during rush hour.
18. Atlanta?s traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours
mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta?s traffic is rated number
1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged
in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds
throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see
a semi-truck on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the
oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon
or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from
the college prep preschool.